Sometimes, if you’re single, it’s tempting to wonder if you’ll ever find the right person, someone who ‘floats your boat’ that you feel really close to. Most of us will have had a few experiences where we think we’ve found that one person and then it’s either turned sour or fizzled out. The main thing is that lessons have been learned and that we don’t do the same thing again and again, always with the same outcome.

Put another way, if we don’t change any of our old beliefs, despite them being detrimental, we’ll almost certainly get the same result – another failed relationship. If we stick to the idea that we just can’t change, we’re jeopardising our future. That’s not to say you should have to compromise all your beliefs, but they’re certainly worth having a hard look at.

A lot of different factors determine why and how a relationship starts and whether it will continue successfully. How we see the world, our expectations and how we relate to others will all play their part, as will our family backgrounds and what we’ve learned whilst we were growing up. Also, during our formative years we’ll have taken on board from our parents how things were discussed and resolved (or not!).

So let’s look at some of the steps to finding the right person:

• Establish trust – this is the basis of most relationships moving forward. If you’re essentially mistrusting of people, especially potential partners, there’s always the threat of instability lurking around a new corner. A lot of mistrust can come from childhood where we learned not to trust people or found that our parents said one thing but meant another, or lied to us, even if it was with good intentions. If we can’t trust, we end up feeling very isolated and it’s difficult to get close to someone. That’s something that can be worked on before embarking on a new relationship.
• Make sure there’s respect – if someone puts you down in front of people or makes remarks about your appearance in a detrimental way, there’s no real respect. It’s hurtful and unnecessary. If someone doesn’t respect you at the beginning of a relationship, they’re unlikely to do so as things progress.
• Next comes commitment – once we have trust and respect, we have to make decisions about commitment and reserve it for people who show that they’re ready for that. However lovely someone is, if they say “I’m not ready for any sort of commitment”, believe them. Don’t think “if I show you enough love, you’ll want to be committed to me”. It’s unlikely and do you really want to put in a lot of effort for little reward when they’ve already made it clear that’s not what they want.
• Vulnerability – once we’re committed, we’re more vulnerable too. The other person knows our weaknesses and parts of ourselves we’re not sure about. Make sure that you’re allowed to be vulnerable at times within the relationship and that your partner is happy for you to show that part of you.
• Empathy – this is about understanding your partner and feeling that they understand you. It’s being able to walk in someone else’s shoes and realise that things aren’t always easy for them, whether that’s to do with their work or some other aspect of their private life.
• Communication – sometimes this can seem at cross-purposes as if your partner isn’t really listening but ultimately, if your partner is free of criticism and doesn’t make snap-judgments the road is open for good communication so that you feel supported by them.
• Equality – this isn’t only about who usually does the cooking, washing-up or childcare, it’s also about each person being involved in decision-making regarding where you live, how you spend your money and what you do in your spare time together. No one person should overshadow the other – each one needs to be ‘heard’ and have some things the way they like rather than always give in to the other one.

By achieving the above, things are hopeful for a good and long-lasting relationship that will last into the future.

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For some people, the desire to be perfect is so great that it’s a burden to them and often makes them unhappy. Although seeking perfection might seem achievable, it can’t be because we’re all human and as such, we make mistakes at times.

In our culture we move almost relentlessly towards a greater emphasis on achievements, especially where our careers are concerned. This can cause such a lot of stress and stops people living in the moment.

Sometimes, the quest for perfection is really a disguise for something else – peoples’ own insecurities. It says “I’m just not good enough as I am” and people start judging themselves because of that. This can sometimes start at school if children are bullied – the feeling of never being good enough can often start in those circumstances – or in a home where things are very regimented and there’s a ‘right way to do things’ which doesn’t allow for any other way. People in those circumstances often grow up feeling that if they can be perfect, they’ll be beyond reproach.

There is sometimes an element of ‘bargaining’ going on too – believing that bad things will happen if we’re not perfect. This can be particularly pronounced if a child grew up with a parent who was ill and somehow the child felt responsible for the mother or father. There can be an element of ‘if I’m perfect, Mum will get better and everything will be alright’. A lot of perfectionists have their own variation on this theme and try to hang onto some sort of control even in later life.

Love and acceptance are the basic emotional needs of every human being but if these needs weren’t met when you were growing up or you learned that love was conditional upon what you can do for others or upon your performance, then the concept of unconditional love is quite possibly alien to you and you’ll feel that you have to ‘jump through hoops’ to earn love from another person. The impossible task of trying to please everyone leaves people physically and emotionally exhausted and is the basis for anxiety and depression.

So, if this sounds like you and you’re finding it all too much, try the following to help you realise that it’s alright to be you, a complete human being with the same frailties as everyone else.

• Be more realistic in your thinking – perfectionists are often very critical of themselves. One of the most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic statements. Practice them regularly like “even if it’s not exactly how I’d like it, I’ll manage fine”.
• Tell other people when you’re feeling tired or low (or other feelings that you’d usually consider being ‘weak’). In other words, it’s alright to show some vulnerability.
• Remember that it’s alright if some people don’t like you – it doesn’t make you a bad person and you may not like them much either! It’s impossible to be liked by everyone and that’s alright.
• Try more ‘grey’ thinking – if you only see things in black and white, both for yourself and other people, it limits more creative thinking.
• Look at the bigger picture – people who are perfectionists tend to get bogged down in details and worry about little things that don’t really matter. Ask yourself ‘in a year’s time, how much will this really matter?’.
• Limit repeating behaviours – if you continually check documents/emails to make sure they’re absolutely correct and perfect, limit yourself to one check and then send it.
• People who seek perfection are often very sensitive to other peoples’ judgements although sometimes these judgements can be imagined. Everyone has an opinion but no-one can be your judge unless you elevate them to that position.

Finally, don’t worry if the above take some practice – they may seem difficult at first but over time they will get easier.

Before I even start writing, I want to say that I know that this week’s post is gender-specific and if any men are reading it, let me know if there’s a similar post that you’d like to read from a different perspective!

I’m posting about a subject which is dear to a lot of womens’ hearts – how to understand their male partner or even their father, brother or male friends.

So, for women: you may well have dated a guy and thought that things were really going well between you. You seemed to be close but then he stops phoning and texting or even vanishes. It’s often a real shock and most women find it really hard to understand.

There’s a lot of soul-searching when this happens but one of the first things to recognise is that it’s not necessarily about you at all. The thing that might help is to take on board the fact that scientific research shows that there really are some differences between men and womens’ brains and if you want a better understanding of men, you need to take those differences into account. However, you also need to bear in mind that every man is still an individual, tempting though it is to sometimes lump them all together!

We all know women who may not seem particularly attractive or even that interesting but they’re the ones with attractive male partners who seem quite devoted to them….which proves that it’s not necessarily looks that keep a man with a woman. However, the man has to find that particular woman attractive to HIM.

Women sometimes have a list of unspoken criteria for finding a partner and it might run like this:

• Don’t mention how attractive another woman is on the first few dates or very often after that either!
• Don’t drive too fast and pretend that it’s perfectly safe
• Don’t drink five nights out of seven
• Do talk to me about me some of the time
• Do tell me how you get on with your family (if you don’t get on with them, why not?)
• If you have children by another relationship, tell me about them early on (yes, it’s a risk as I might not like it but at least I can make a decision about that)
• Don’t ‘like’ other random womens’ photos on social media
• Don’t tell me you like doing something when really you don’t – I’ll find out eventually and it’ll be a disappointment
• Make sure there’s some romance along the way, even if we’ve been together a long time
• Be reliable – if you say you’re going to do something, do it

It appears that a man’s list isn’t usually that long – it’s more along the lines of :

• You look good
• You’re interesting to talk to
• You’re fun to be with

Yes, that’s it! Sounds easy doesn’t it? But there are other considerations too and here are three very important ones:

• Men are often able to compartmentalise their emotions whether that’s to do with their job, children, family or anything else going on in their lives. Think about lots of different little boxes in their heads and each box is stored separately from the other boxes. Womens’ brains have boxes too but they all blend into one another so whatever goes on in one box affects all the other boxes too!
• It also seems that men are very solution-focused so, on a basic level, if you’re sad or fed-up about something, they will try to find an answer (often practical) whereas really, you’d just like them to listen to you and empathise.
• Usually, a man will want to feel that he’s the main person in your life – he wants to be the most important person and doesn’t like it if his position is usurped by others, even his own children sometimes.

So do you feel that you understand men any better now? Maybe not but hopefully this blog has helped you to look at that and realise that you’re not the only one thinking in that way.

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