Category Archives: Bereavement

Lonely At Christmas

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The band, Mud, first reached number 1 in the charts with this song in 1974 and it’s very similar to Blue Christmas, sung by Elvis.

One of the reasons that they’re both so popular is because of the feelings that the words evoke in us, particularly if we’re going to be spending Christmas alone. There is melancholy in both of them and people identify with this.

There are lots of reasons why some of us feel alone at this time of year – maybe a relationship has come to an end or there’s been a bereavement. Social anxiety disorder can stop some of us building up close relationships with colleagues and neighbours as it’s so hard to get out and meet up with people.

All the frenetic activity can bring about emotional and physical stress and tiredness and if you’ve spent too much money, that brings a lot of pressure with it. Also, reflecting on how the previous eleven months have been can be a painful exercise.

If you live some distance from your family and haven’t lived in a new place long enough to build up any strong friendships, Christmas can be one of the loneliest times of the year. Even if you do have a large family nearby, some of us can still feel like an outsider if we’re different in some way. With all the cheerful songs and festive parties many lonely people are crying inside.

It’s not easy to be positive but it is possible – if it’s unavoidable that you’re alone at this time of year, plan ahead. Do something nice for yourself if you can afford it – buy one outfit of new clothes, choose some lovely food to cook even though it’s just for you and plan to watch some great films at home.

If there’s any chance of getting together with neighbours (maybe you’ve not met them before?), invite them round for a pre-Christmas drink. You may think they’re not your type(s) but you never know!

Consider doing some volunteering over Christmas – there are plenty of organisations who need people to cook, care or befriend others over the holiday period.

If you can work over Christmas and your employer needs volunteers to do this, it’s a good idea to consider it. Make sure you’re paid a good rate for this though – no need to martyr yourself!

If you have online friends you could host an online Christmas by setting up a Facebook group or Skype chatroom where people can drop in and out as they please. That way, you don’t have to cook or clean and can drop out as and when you want to.

If you’ve suffered the end of a relationship, either through death or separation, you may feel that you don’t want to celebrate at all. Everything will seem too much trouble and although friends and family might want to ‘bring you out of yourself’, it may be too much for you. If you really feel you’d be happier not socialising this one year, that’s up to you.

However, whatever your circumstances, spending time with positive people can help lift your spirits and you might be grateful for their good-heartedness and good cheer.

Lastly, plan for a better Christmas next year – think about how you can connect with people in the coming months and if depression and anxiety is preventing you enjoying life, visit your GP for support in the New Year or get in touch with a private counsellor (some offer concessions if your finances have taken a dip).

I hope that you’ve found this blog helpful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

In Your Thirties And Still Finding Life A Struggle?

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When people reach their thirties they’re often told that they are in the prime of their lives but this isn’t the case for a lot of young adults.

In fact it can be a time of self-doubt and panic with many of the same feelings associated with the traditional symptoms of a mid-life crisis (usually occurring in the late forties and early fifties). For young adults struggling with many options now available to them and feeling indecisive about some of them, a lot of thirty-somethings can experience depression and anxiety.

With the opportunities to expand careers and travel the world more freely, the choices are more varied than in previous generations but the quest for ‘success’ is much higher too. As a society we put a lot of emphasis on ‘success’ which, for most people, means earning a lot of money and achieving some sort of status through doing so. However, as a counsellor and psychotherapist, but also in my private life, I’ve seen that this constant emphasis on these aspirations does not necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, quite the opposite is true because people get tired and stressed, often losing their motivation and then start to wonder what it’s all about. Constant striving for more can stop people ‘enjoying the moment’ because they’re always looking for the next goal to achieve.

Whilst achieving goals is a good way to enhance self-esteem and motivation, some balance needs to be achieved to feed our inner spirits as well.

However, although uncomfortable and worrying, if people feel stuck in a job or way of life, it can trigger an urge to change things, often for the better. It’s a time of reflection, of saying “is this what I really want?” and if the answer is “no”, this provides the impetus to make changes. This isn’t easy if you feel that you’re stuck in a relationship that doesn’t feel right but, because there are two people in the relationship, talking is the first key to changing things. We can all get stuck in a rut where relationships are concerned, particularly in our thirties when quite possibly there’s a mortgage or high rent combined with a small child and both partners working. However, we all need some time to relax and recuperate from the stresses of work and childcare and it’s important to factor in time for that. If you both want different things in life (and this may not have been the case when you set out together), it may be the time for relationship counselling to see how you can hopefully work things out together, rather than separating and losing a lot of what you’ve built up together, both emotionally and financially.

If it’s your job that’s now a problem because it’s not going the way you had anticipated or you’re not getting the promotions you’d hoped for, feeling ‘stuck’ can provide the stimulation you need to explore different options. This might be to look into re-training opportunities, moving to a different area either job-wise or geographically and generally thinking about where you want to be in five years’ time.

Even though the thirties are adulthood, many people still try to live up to their parents’ expectations of them. For some, this is a great way of seeing what else they can achieve, but for others it’s a burden that they don’t want. In these cases, it’s important to have a conversation (or more than one) with parents, along the lines of you’re not happy and want to make changes which you will make with their blessing.

This time during your thirties may also be a time when you re-evaluate friendships, some of which just aren’t working for you any more. Ask yourself why and whether you or your friend(s) can still make time for each other. It may also seem that you no longer have anything in common – however, one thing that you might have is a shared history and this is often an important part of friendship that we can’t put a price on. If that person, or people, have been there for you in difficult times, that’s quite a bond and worth thinking about before you decide to make permanent distance between you.

In the same way, you might have decided that you no longer want to be treated in a certain way by people you come into contact with – if you often feel ‘put down’ by others, it’s time to look at how you might be more assertive and not accept put-downs.

So, being in your thirties can be the time to reflect on where you are and where you want to be, making changes if you feel that’s right for you and setting goals to achieve that. It’s not easy to change but the rewards can be great and hopefully you’ll start living your life in a way that’s more fulfilling for you and those close to you.

Coping When Your Child Leaves for University

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It might be that you were looking forward to your child or children going off to university but maybe the reality is actually very different from how you imagined. In fact, you might be finding it difficult to cope, whether this is your first child leaving (a big change but you might have younger ones at home) or your last child leaving the ‘nest’.

Yes, you thought you were prepared for this from the day they got their A Level results but maybe you were carried along with the need to help them prepare for the big day, buying duvets and cheap pots and pans and helping them in any way possible.

Of course, they’d been growing up and hopefully becoming more independent but the reality of them no longer being in the family home can hit very hard. Yes, everything’s tidier and you’re no longer awake until the early hours listening for them coming home and locking up the front door, but the actual reality of not having them around on a day-to-day basis can really take you by surprise.

Whether they jumped straight in and loved university life from the start or in fact were quite miserable and lonely at first, necessitating nightly phone calls and reassurance from you, you might still have been hit with sadness once they were no longer living with you. Its as if you’re grieving, which you are, and there’s often a real intensity in the loss because it’s a big change to come to terms with, even though you’re happy for them to have this opportunity.

So, how do you cope with this big change in your life?

  • First of all, accept that it’s natural – you’re human, you love them and it’s a huge change.
  • Mobile phones are a godsend – they can send you photos and vice-versa plus you can text, even if they don’t always reply.
  • Try not to be over-involved in their university careers – let them know that you’re they’re if they need you but accept that they’ll sometimes make mistakes. When parents always hover nearby, whether or not they’re actually needed, it doesn’t give their offspring the opportunity to learn how to resolve some situations themselves.
  • Sometimes, Student Services may be able to help them more than you’re able to and might be a more useful option in some circumstances
  • Although it’s tempting to encourage them to come home frequently at weekends, a lot of social bonding at university goes on at weekends and coming home a lot means that they’re constantly readjusting to one life or the other.
  • Of course, there’s a fine balance here as you don’t want them to struggle and not be able to confide in you, but they do need to become more autonomous, otherwise the world of work may seem overwhelming when they reach it on a full-time basis.
  • Recognise that this is a time for you or, if you have a partner, a time when you can reconnect in a different way now that you can focus on one another again.
  • Take care of yourself and start putting things in place that help you to rediscover who you are and what you like doing, rather than putting children’s needs first all of the time. Practice mindfulness and make sure that you eat healthily, if you’ve let that lapse at times.
  • Try to enjoy this time, even though you’ll see less of them – it’s a new phase for everyone and if your child sees that you’re managing well, it will encourage them to do the same.

I hope that you’ve found this blog useful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

So You Think An Affair Might Help…..?

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The thought of having an affair, or at least a flirtation, is something that flits through the minds of many people, especially if they’re in long-term relationships. If you’ve never been tempted by someone else, that may be down to luck as much as anything else. It’s easy to be judgmental about someone (maybe even your own partner) who hasn’t been able to resist such temptation, but people are human and, as such, make mistakes that often have devastating consequences.

From my experience as a relationship counsellor, I realised that there are different sorts of affairs:

  • The “It’s Not Really An Affair, More A Relationship” – this is where one person is available/single but the other one isn’t so the one who’s available really believes that if they are patient, the other person will leave their current partner. The available person will say “This is much more than an affair; it’s a relationship and we want to be together”. A lot of the time, that doesn’t actually happen, even if both parties thought at the beginning that it would. Often, the final decision to leave a partner, perhaps children, a home that you’ve built up together and the security that that brings, proves too much and that person can’t leave after all.
  • Then there’s the “It’s Only Sex Affair” – this feels very intense and there’s no doubt that some people have a huge physical attraction which they find almost impossible to resist. They feel that it’s almost ‘inevitable’ that they’ll end up having sex and as some people feel sexually alive, only when there’s secrecy and the accompanying nervous excitement, the lust can be overpowering. However, this affair is usually the most short-lived – it’s great at the time, but once the couple realise that on a different level they have very little in common, and in fact irritate one another, that excitement can change almost overnight.
  • The “I’ll Get Back At You Affair” usually results from someone feeling very resentful and angry towards their usual partner. If you feel ignored or criticised by your partner, or they make you very angry and upset, this sort of affair can seem empowering at the time. However, at some point, most people have to try to deal with their more permanent relationship rather than getting back at their partner in this way.
  • The “We Haven’t Had Sex Affair” is one that I came across a lot – usually when I saw each one of the couple separately. One partner would tell me that they weren’t really having an affair because sex hadn’t actually taken place. However, texting, meeting for coffee or lunch and not telling your partner about it does mean that you’re in an intimate relationship with someone else, especially if you confide in that person rather than your partner. If you can tell your regular partner what’s going on and not keep any of it secret, fair enough, but if it makes you squirm to think that they might find out, then even if you haven’t had sex, you’ve been unfaithful……maybe you don’t agree, and it’s up for discussion, but it seems that this ‘affair’ is just as damaging as any other, in its own way.
  • Then there’s the “Keep It In The Family Affair” which happens more frequently than you might think. There’s the closeness of family get-togethers, mutual teasing and a knowledge of your partner’s sister, brother, cousin or parents that can eventually prove intoxicating. In some ways, this sort of affair can be easier to keep secret because there are often opportunities within the family to turn up at the same barbeques, Christmas get-togethers and holidays but the fall-out can be even more devastating than the other affairs because the whole family will be involved in some way. People will inevitably takes sides and the family get-togethers can become a nightmare for all involved.
  • Lastly, the “Total Mind And Body Affair” which is the most threatening of all, partly because both people feel it’s what they’ve always been looking for in a relationship and will often say that they’ve never felt this way before. This affair is the most likely to threaten an existing partnership and although the couple engaged in this affair are more likely to stay happily together, the consequences are often devastating for the other people in their lives, particularly if there are children involved.

Many different sorts of affairs and there have been many books written about how help your relationship recover if you’ve decided to stay together and work on it.

However, if you’re the one on the brink of an affair, try to stand back for a minute and ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you feeling unappreciated by your partner and that’s making you angry? If so, even if you’ve tried talking about it together before and nothing’s changed, try talking to a relationship counsellor, even if you have to go on your own. A counsellor won’t try to talk you out of having an affair, but it will give you a chance to air your anger in a confidential setting to someone apart from your partner.
  2. Even if you feel that you’re not the one doing anything wrong in your current relationship, could you try once more to resolve some of the issues? You can’t do it alone, that’s for sure, but ultimately, do you want to give it your best shot or do you want to continue as you are?
  3. Can you remember how you once enjoyed your partner’s company before you got to this stage? Do you remember the fun you once had? See if you can recapture some of that even though there may now be bills, children and/or work stresses.
  4. Ask yourself honestly if you were with the new person you’re thinking of, would it be much different if you had the same stresses in your life that you have now? It’s easy to think that things would be very different when you’re feeling such longing but the realities of work, children, lack of money, elderly parents or lack of self-esteem won’t go away even if you’re with a different person.
  5. Does the new person make you feel better about yourself? This is a difficult one because if they’re shoring up your self-esteem, you probably need to work on yourself and feeling better generally before making a big change in your life.
  6. Lastly, ask yourself what an affair would provide for you. If it’s affection, better sex, more fun or companionship, try to think of ways that you might rediscover that with your existing partner.

Hopefully, some of the above points will help you look at the issues with more objectivity (if that’s possible!) and you’ll be able to make a decision that’s right for you in the long-term, whichever way it goes.