In my last blog, I wrote about how you might be alone and feeling lonely at Christmas but, as you may be experiencing, you can have a partner and still feel lonely. Being with your partner for longer periods of time than usual over the festive period might have brought this home to you!

You may wonder how this could happen – the person that you first got together with because you ‘clicked’ so well but seem to have little in common with nowadays. There are lots of possible reasons that this might have happened including:

• Busy schedules – you’re both so busy with your jobs and family matters that you rarely spend time together.
• Your partner doesn’t acknowledge when you’re having a particularly hard time such as when your sister is ill and you’re worried about her. If there’s no emotional connection, there’s no real scope for support.
• You don’t talk about what you did throughout each day – maybe you feel there isn’t time or perhaps your partner looks bored when you try to tell them about what’s happened to you.
• One or other of you is always on their phone.
• Your partner bullies you – maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally by mocking you or ignoring you altogether (men or women can be guilty of this – either way, it’s not acceptable).
• There’s rarely any passion – no kisses, hugs or intimacy of any kind.

So, if this holiday period has left you wondering why you got together in the first place, take stock of what’s happened. If you feel lonely, it’s quite likely that they do too and if you want to get back that feeling of togetherness before it’s too late, try the following:

• Start sharing everyday experiences again – if your partner’s watching television in another room join them, even if you’re not particularly interested in what they’re watching.
• Suggest simple things like going for a walk or cooking a meal together where each of you does something towards it.
• Ask for what you want in the relationship and, in turn, ask your partner what they need to feel happier in your relationship.
• Make it clear that you’re tired of being emotionally bullied – it may seem funny to your partner, but it’s not acceptable.
• Make birthdays and anniversaries special days for both of you. Small things like a card or a cake can make such a difference.

Getting back that feeling of intimacy and love won’t happen overnight but, as you go into a new year, be hopeful that you can get back that loving feeling and no longer feel lonely in your relationship.

I hope that you’ve found this blog helpful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

Happy Christmas to all my past clients and to those of you who now follow my blogs. Look out for more to read in the New Year.

The band, Mud, first reached number 1 in the charts with this song in 1974 and it’s very similar to Blue Christmas, sung by Elvis.

One of the reasons that they’re both so popular is because of the feelings that the words evoke in us, particularly if we’re going to be spending Christmas alone. There is melancholy in both of them and people identify with this.

There are lots of reasons why some of us feel alone at this time of year – maybe a relationship has come to an end or there’s been a bereavement. Social anxiety disorder can stop some of us building up close relationships with colleagues and neighbours as it’s so hard to get out and meet up with people.

All the frenetic activity can bring about emotional and physical stress and tiredness and if you’ve spent too much money, that brings a lot of pressure with it. Also, reflecting on how the previous eleven months have been can be a painful exercise.

If you live some distance from your family and haven’t lived in a new place long enough to build up any strong friendships, Christmas can be one of the loneliest times of the year. Even if you do have a large family nearby, some of us can still feel like an outsider if we’re different in some way. With all the cheerful songs and festive parties many lonely people are crying inside.

It’s not easy to be positive but it is possible – if it’s unavoidable that you’re alone at this time of year, plan ahead. Do something nice for yourself if you can afford it – buy one outfit of new clothes, choose some lovely food to cook even though it’s just for you and plan to watch some great films at home.

If there’s any chance of getting together with neighbours (maybe you’ve not met them before?), invite them round for a pre-Christmas drink. You may think they’re not your type(s) but you never know!

Consider doing some volunteering over Christmas – there are plenty of organisations who need people to cook, care or befriend others over the holiday period.

If you can work over Christmas and your employer needs volunteers to do this, it’s a good idea to consider it. Make sure you’re paid a good rate for this though – no need to martyr yourself!

If you have online friends you could host an online Christmas by setting up a Facebook group or Skype chatroom where people can drop in and out as they please. That way, you don’t have to cook or clean and can drop out as and when you want to.

If you’ve suffered the end of a relationship, either through death or separation, you may feel that you don’t want to celebrate at all. Everything will seem too much trouble and although friends and family might want to ‘bring you out of yourself’, it may be too much for you. If you really feel you’d be happier not socialising this one year, that’s up to you.

However, whatever your circumstances, spending time with positive people can help lift your spirits and you might be grateful for their good-heartedness and good cheer.

Lastly, plan for a better Christmas next year – think about how you can connect with people in the coming months and if depression and anxiety is preventing you enjoying life, visit your GP for support in the New Year or get in touch with a private counsellor (some offer concessions if your finances have taken a dip).

I hope that you’ve found this blog helpful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

It might be that you were looking forward to your child or children going off to university but maybe the reality is actually very different from how you imagined. In fact, you might be finding it difficult to cope, whether this is your first child leaving (a big change but you might have younger ones at home) or your last child leaving the ‘nest’.

Yes, you thought you were prepared for this from the day they got their A Level results but maybe you were carried along with the need to help them prepare for the big day, buying duvets and cheap pots and pans and helping them in any way possible.

Of course, they’d been growing up and hopefully becoming more independent but the reality of them no longer being in the family home can hit very hard. Yes, everything’s tidier and you’re no longer awake until the early hours listening for them coming home and locking up the front door, but the actual reality of not having them around on a day-to-day basis can really take you by surprise.

Whether they jumped straight in and loved university life from the start or in fact were quite miserable and lonely at first, necessitating nightly phone calls and reassurance from you, you might still have been hit with sadness once they were no longer living with you. Its as if you’re grieving, which you are, and there’s often a real intensity in the loss because it’s a big change to come to terms with, even though you’re happy for them to have this opportunity.

So, how do you cope with this big change in your life?

• First of all, accept that it’s natural – you’re human, you love them and it’s a huge change.
• Mobile phones are a godsend – they can send you photos and vice-versa plus you can text, even if they don’t always reply.
• Try not to be over-involved in their university careers – let them know that you’re they’re if they need you but accept that they’ll sometimes make mistakes. When parents always hover nearby, whether or not they’re actually needed, it doesn’t give their offspring the opportunity to learn how to resolve some situations themselves.
• Sometimes, Student Services may be able to help them more than you’re able to and might be a more useful option in some circumstances
• Although it’s tempting to encourage them to come home frequently at weekends, a lot of social bonding at university goes on at weekends and coming home a lot means that they’re constantly readjusting to one life or the other.
• Of course, there’s a fine balance here as you don’t want them to struggle and not be able to confide in you, but they do need to become more autonomous, otherwise the world of work may seem overwhelming when they reach it on a full-time basis.
• Recognise that this is a time for you or, if you have a partner, a time when you can reconnect in a different way now that you can focus on one another again.
• Take care of yourself and start putting things in place that help you to rediscover who you are and what you like doing, rather than putting children’s needs first all of the time. Practice mindfulness and make sure that you eat healthily, if you’ve let that lapse at times.
• Try to enjoy this time, even though you’ll see less of them – it’s a new phase for everyone and if your child sees that you’re managing well, it will encourage them to do the same.

I hope that you’ve found this blog useful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.