The thought of having an affair, or at least a flirtation, is something that flits through the minds of many people, especially if they’re in long-term relationships. If you’ve never been tempted by someone else, that may be down to luck as much as anything else. It’s easy to be judgmental about someone (maybe even your own partner) who hasn’t been able to resist such temptation, but people are human and, as such, make mistakes that often have devastating consequences.

From my experience as a relationship counsellor, I realised that there are different sorts of affairs:

• The “It’s Not Really An Affair, More A Relationship” – this is where one person is available/single but the other one isn’t so the one who’s available really believes that if they are patient, the other person will leave their current partner. The available person will say “This is much more than an affair; it’s a relationship and we want to be together”. A lot of the time, that doesn’t actually happen, even if both parties thought at the beginning that it would. Often, the final decision to leave a partner, perhaps children, a home that you’ve built up together and the security that that brings, proves too much and that person can’t leave after all.
• Then there’s the “It’s Only Sex Affair” – this feels very intense and there’s no doubt that some people have a huge physical attraction which they find almost impossible to resist. They feel that it’s almost ‘inevitable’ that they’ll end up having sex and as some people feel sexually alive, only when there’s secrecy and the accompanying nervous excitement, the lust can be overpowering. However, this affair is usually the most short-lived – it’s great at the time, but once the couple realise that on a different level they have very little in common, and in fact irritate one another, that excitement can change almost overnight.
• The “I’ll Get Back At You Affair” usually results from someone feeling very resentful and angry towards their usual partner. If you feel ignored or criticised by your partner, or they make you very angry and upset, this sort of affair can seem empowering at the time. However, at some point, most people have to try to deal with their more permanent relationship rather than getting back at their partner in this way.
• The “We Haven’t Had Sex Affair” is one that I came across a lot – usually when I saw each one of the couple separately. One partner would tell me that they weren’t really having an affair because sex hadn’t actually taken place. However, texting, meeting for coffee or lunch and not telling your partner about it does mean that you’re in an intimate relationship with someone else, especially if you confide in that person rather than your partner. If you can tell your regular partner what’s going on and not keep any of it secret, fair enough, but if it makes you squirm to think that they might find out, then even if you haven’t had sex, you’ve been unfaithful……maybe you don’t agree, and it’s up for discussion, but it seems that this ‘affair’ is just as damaging as any other, in its own way.
• Then there’s the “Keep It In The Family Affair” which happens more frequently than you might think. There’s the closeness of family get-togethers, mutual teasing and a knowledge of your partner’s sister, brother, cousin or parents that can eventually prove intoxicating. In some ways, this sort of affair can be easier to keep secret because there are often opportunities within the family to turn up at the same barbeques, Christmas get-togethers and holidays but the fall-out can be even more devastating than the other affairs because the whole family will be involved in some way. People will inevitably takes sides and the family get-togethers can become a nightmare for all involved.
• Lastly, the “Total Mind And Body Affair” which is the most threatening of all, partly because both people feel it’s what they’ve always been looking for in a relationship and will often say that they’ve never felt this way before. This affair is the most likely to threaten an existing partnership and although the couple engaged in this affair are more likely to stay happily together, the consequences are often devastating for the other people in their lives, particularly if there are children involved.

Many different sorts of affairs and there have been many books written about how help your relationship recover if you’ve decided to stay together and work on it.

However, if you’re the one on the brink of an affair, try to stand back for a minute and ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you feeling unappreciated by your partner and that’s making you angry? If so, even if you’ve tried talking about it together before and nothing’s changed, try talking to a relationship counsellor, even if you have to go on your own. A counsellor won’t try to talk you out of having an affair, but it will give you a chance to air your anger in a confidential setting to someone apart from your partner.
2. Even if you feel that you’re not the one doing anything wrong in your current relationship, could you try once more to resolve some of the issues? You can’t do it alone, that’s for sure, but ultimately, do you want to give it your best shot or do you want to continue as you are?
3. Can you remember how you once enjoyed your partner’s company before you got to this stage? Do you remember the fun you once had? See if you can recapture some of that even though there may now be bills, children and/or work stresses.
4. Ask yourself honestly if you were with the new person you’re thinking of, would it be much different if you had the same stresses in your life that you have now? It’s easy to think that things would be very different when you’re feeling such longing but the realities of work, children, lack of money, elderly parents or lack of self-esteem won’t go away even if you’re with a different person.
5. Does the new person make you feel better about yourself? This is a difficult one because if they’re shoring up your self-esteem, you probably need to work on yourself and feeling better generally before making a big change in your life.
6. Lastly, ask yourself what an affair would provide for you. If it’s affection, better sex, more fun or companionship, try to think of ways that you might rediscover that with your existing partner.

Hopefully, some of the above points will help you look at the issues with more objectivity (if that’s possible!) and you’ll be able to make a decision that’s right for you in the long-term, whichever way it goes.

Okay, so it’s normal for couples to have disagreements and rows from time to time but when you’re in constant conflict with one another, it’s time to rethink.

People often learn poor conflict resolution skills when they’re growing up, either from their parents or extended family. If you come from a family that typically sulks and holds grudges, you don’t always learn that it doesn’t have to come to that. If you grow up with people who respect each other, engage in healthy discussions and don’t avoid talking about important issues, you learn that things can be resolved before they become too serious.

People in successful relationships often have the ability to solve problems and then let it go. Rather than attacking the other person with words or withholding affection, they let some of the smaller stuff go and stop dwelling on it. This isn’t easy to do, as I know from a personal perspective!

I’ve found that the key is to accept the other person/people as they are rather than trying to change them. ‘Forgive and forget’ is a key element here. Laughter and humour help too – if you can see the absurdity in some situations, it helps a lot.

In my last blog, I wrote about how financial conflicts affect couples but other common clashes are around sex and children. I saw a lot of these issues played out in the counselling room when I worked as a private therapist as I encouraged couples to use their sessions with me to look at these issues from the other person’s point of view. There had to be give and take on both sides and this involved couples doing homework outside of the sessions.

If you feel that you can’t afford counselling or manage to get to sessions, think about the following:

• Value each other’s perspective even if you don’t agree with them. It’s worth really considering what your partner’s saying and working on how you can find a compromise.
• Let the little things go – ask yourself how much it really matters and try to let go, breathe and move onto more important things.
• Keep it fair – don’t insult, curse or name-call. Also, don’t bring up everything they’ve ever done wrong in the past as your partner will just end up feeling attacked and as if they can never do anything right.
• Be clear about what you want (which is different from what you need!). Ask for what you want and be clear – rather than saying “I wish you weren’t always late”, try “next time we’re going out for a meal and you think you might not be able to make it on time, I’d like it if you could call or text me to let me know at least a quarter of an hour beforehand”.
• Tell each other what you do like about the other one rather than always complaining about what you don’t like.
• Deal with any conflict as quickly as you can – if things are just left, they often grow bigger. Better that they’re repaired as soon as possible rather than fester until they get out of proportion.

Good luck with the above – none of these are easy, but they might make all the difference to your relationship.

Just how much is acceptable in a relationship?

Of course, the answer to  how much is acceptable differs from one person to the next. What one person considers ‘normal’, another might find completely obnoxious! Sometimes, it can be hard to work out what you  you consider acceptable, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship where it’s often easier to comply with your partner rather than have yet another argument. We can all become worn down by negative aspects in our own homes and put up with things that we’d once have found abhorrent.

When you have a long shared history and have invested years of your life in another person, it’s often easy to overlook or even excuse their behaviour. Maybe you’re afraid of starting again on your own, telling your family or having to find new friends. However, there are certain behaviours that are pretty much always unacceptable and if you’ve talked them through with your partner before and things haven’t changed, it’s probable that they’re not going to.

Here are some that you shouldn’t have to put up with:

Inconsistency – if you find you’re being smothered in affection one day and almost ignored the next, that’s very unpredictable. Most relationships require some sort of stability and if you never know where you are from one day to the next, if can cause mental turmoil. Some people are moodier than others but if they say they want commitment one day and then turn that on its head the next, it’s hard to feel secure with them and, ultimately, it’s unacceptable.

Being treated like a servant – it’s normal to help one another out and even have separate roles if that’s what suits both of you, but when one person leaves a lot of mess around for the other one to constantly pick up and clean, there’s a big element of being taken for granted. It’s not acceptable for one person in the relationship to be taking on the majority of the chores, responsibilities and perhaps bills unless their partner is ill and unable to contribute. If this is happening to you, don’t feel that you have to put up with it!

Cheating – if you’ve agreed to have an ‘open relationship’, fair enough but if you agreed to be monogamous and then your partner cheats, you have to decide whether to work through it or separate. Just know that you’re under no obligation to put up with cheating (which includes sexting), even if it was a one-off incident. If you decide to give things another go, then that’s a decision for both of you to make, but basically, cheating isn’t acceptable.

Lying – so most of us tell the occasional lie, not just to our partners but to other people as well. It’s when it becomes the norm and you find that your partner often lies to other people (their best friend or their family), then it’s a cause for concern. People who habitually lie usually tell other people what they want to hear, often to get what they want. If your partner lies to other people, he/she probably lies to you as well.

Ultimatums – it’s normal to have discussions where your ideas don’t match up but it’s not normal to deliver some sort of ultimatum such as “if we don’t have a baby in another year, it’s over” or “if we don’t move back to my home town, I’m finished”. It’s never going to be helpful to put down deadlines and the other person rarely responds positively. No-one likes to be threatened with ultimatums – they threaten love and affection in relationships.

Controlling behaviour – if you’ve noticed that your partner tries to control you or put you down (in fact, make you feel bad in any way), that’s emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. If they blame you for all their problems or frequently threaten to leave you, that can feel as if you’re losing all control in your life, which often leads to low self-esteem.

Refusal to talk – it’s key to most relationships to be able to communicate, even if the subject is a difficult one. If you find that your partner refuses to talk about anything that they consider to be a tough subject, they’re disregarding your feelings, especially if the subject is bothering you. Healthy relationships need healthy discussions.

Unsupportive – you’re supposed to be in a team which means supporting each other’s ambitions and dreams. You’re invested in one another’s success if you share your lives and if your partner often puts you down, whether you’re alone or with other people, you don’t have to accept it. Most of us need someone who will back us up when the chips are down.

They’re often angry – most people get annoyed sometimes but irrational anger is something else. If you’re often waiting for them to erupt, you’ll be on constant edge, feeling as if you have to tiptoe around your partner, even if they’re angry with other people rather than you. If they’re not prepared to get help for their anger, maybe you need to rethink your future with them.

If, after reading the above, you still think it’s worthwhile putting up with some or all of the above, then I hope it works out well for you. However, if it encourages to think about what you’re prepared to put up with and you decide that ‘enough is enough’, you could try some counselling to talk through your feelings, before making a final decision about the future.

If someone is feeling insecure, it’s usually about experiencing a threat or inadequacy of some sort. Most people have felt it at one time or another and that’s pretty normal but when it starts to sabotage your relationship or success in your job, it starts to become very damaging. It stops peace of mind and prevents people from relaxing and being authentic and genuine – they will be asking for reassurance or be mistrusting of others’ motives and actions.

Whilst a lot of people think that the insecurity comes from something that their partner said, mostly it comes from within themselves. However, it probably started in childhood or early teens when someone was very hurt or threatened or perhaps couldn’t depend on what a parent said as they were always let down. If, growing up, children were judged harshly and criticised a lot, there’s usually a residual feeling of never being good enough.

If this is how you, or someone close to you, feels, here are some things that you can do:

• First of all, try to build up your self-esteem – most people who feel insecure have low self-esteem and they look outside of themselves for validation. However, when you’re trying to feel good by getting approval from others, it doesn’t really address the issue and also puts a burden on your partner, friends and family. By working on your self-esteem by reading a book, doing an on-line course or having counselling can help a lot with feelings of insecurity.
• With a partner, sometimes the feelings of insecurity are valid inasmuch as they’ve let you down before, lied to you or been unfaithfully. However, you mostly have a choice about how you deal with this and although you may not want to leave or can’t see a way to leave it because of other responsibilities, you can try to put down some boundaries and explain what the outcome will be if this continues. Although your partner may not be reliable, you can still feel secure in yourself as a good and caring human being.
• Have some trust in yourself if the insecurity was there before you met your partner. Recognise that you don’t have to beautiful or rich to attract a good partner – your particular characteristics are the most important thing and this applies with friends and family members too. Remember the traits that you have that are valuable – this could be a good communicator, you’re funny, kind and generally a nice person. Focus on what you have to offer, rather than what you perceive as a lack of something.
• Avoid people whom you feel insecure with – in other words, protect yourself. If a group of colleagues is very ‘cliquish’ and ‘excluding’, try to go out with them on a one-to-one basis and don’t socialise with them after work. They may feel that you’re unfriendly but this is about you, not them, and if you feel worse when you go out with them, avoid it.
• That leads onto surrounding yourself with people who are supportive – not so that they can validate you in some way but because they ‘get’ you and you feel you have things in common and nothing to prove to them. In other words, they like you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend to be someone else in their company.

Remember, no-one can see your insecurity so sometimes imagining how you’d really like to be can help in actually being that person. Visualise how you’d be if you weren’t insecure and work towards that image. It will take time but you’ll feel better for it eventually.