Category Archives: Loneliness

The band, Mud, first reached number 1 in the charts with this song in 1974 and it’s very similar to Blue Christmas, sung by Elvis.

One of the reasons that they’re both so popular is because of the feelings that the words evoke in us, particularly if we’re going to be spending Christmas alone. There is melancholy in both of them and people identify with this.

There are lots of reasons why some of us feel alone at this time of year – maybe a relationship has come to an end or there’s been a bereavement. Social anxiety disorder can stop some of us building up close relationships with colleagues and neighbours as it’s so hard to get out and meet up with people.

All the frenetic activity can bring about emotional and physical stress and tiredness and if you’ve spent too much money, that brings a lot of pressure with it. Also, reflecting on how the previous eleven months have been can be a painful exercise.

If you live some distance from your family and haven’t lived in a new place long enough to build up any strong friendships, Christmas can be one of the loneliest times of the year. Even if you do have a large family nearby, some of us can still feel like an outsider if we’re different in some way. With all the cheerful songs and festive parties many lonely people are crying inside.

It’s not easy to be positive but it is possible – if it’s unavoidable that you’re alone at this time of year, plan ahead. Do something nice for yourself if you can afford it – buy one outfit of new clothes, choose some lovely food to cook even though it’s just for you and plan to watch some great films at home.

If there’s any chance of getting together with neighbours (maybe you’ve not met them before?), invite them round for a pre-Christmas drink. You may think they’re not your type(s) but you never know!

Consider doing some volunteering over Christmas – there are plenty of organisations who need people to cook, care or befriend others over the holiday period.

If you can work over Christmas and your employer needs volunteers to do this, it’s a good idea to consider it. Make sure you’re paid a good rate for this though – no need to martyr yourself!

If you have online friends you could host an online Christmas by setting up a Facebook group or Skype chatroom where people can drop in and out as they please. That way, you don’t have to cook or clean and can drop out as and when you want to.

If you’ve suffered the end of a relationship, either through death or separation, you may feel that you don’t want to celebrate at all. Everything will seem too much trouble and although friends and family might want to ‘bring you out of yourself’, it may be too much for you. If you really feel you’d be happier not socialising this one year, that’s up to you.

However, whatever your circumstances, spending time with positive people can help lift your spirits and you might be grateful for their good-heartedness and good cheer.

Lastly, plan for a better Christmas next year – think about how you can connect with people in the coming months and if depression and anxiety is preventing you enjoying life, visit your GP for support in the New Year or get in touch with a private counsellor (some offer concessions if your finances have taken a dip).

I hope that you’ve found this blog helpful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

Will I Ever Find “The One”?

1 Reply

Sometimes, if you’re single, it’s tempting to wonder if you’ll ever find the right person, someone who ‘floats your boat’ that you feel really close to. Most of us will have had a few experiences where we think we’ve found that one person and then it’s either turned sour or fizzled out. The main thing is that lessons have been learned and that we don’t do the same thing again and again, always with the same outcome.

Put another way, if we don’t change any of our old beliefs, despite them being detrimental, we’ll almost certainly get the same result – another failed relationship. If we stick to the idea that we just can’t change, we’re jeopardising our future. That’s not to say you should have to compromise all your beliefs, but they’re certainly worth having a hard look at.

A lot of different factors determine why and how a relationship starts and whether it will continue successfully. How we see the world, our expectations and how we relate to others will all play their part, as will our family backgrounds and what we’ve learned whilst we were growing up. Also, during our formative years we’ll have taken on board from our parents how things were discussed and resolved (or not!).

So let’s look at some of the steps to finding the right person:

Establish trust – this is the basis of most relationships moving forward. If you’re essentially mistrusting of people, especially potential partners, there’s always the threat of instability lurking around a new corner. A lot of mistrust can come from childhood where we learned not to trust people or found that our parents said one thing but meant another, or lied to us, even if it was with good intentions. If we can’t trust, we end up feeling very isolated and it’s difficult to get close to someone. That’s something that can be worked on before embarking on a new relationship.
Make sure there’s respect – if someone puts you down in front of people or makes remarks about your appearance in a detrimental way, there’s no real respect. It’s hurtful and unnecessary. If someone doesn’t respect you at the beginning of a relationship, they’re unlikely to do so as things progress.
Next comes commitment – once we have trust and respect, we have to make decisions about commitment and reserve it for people who show that they’re ready for that. However lovely someone is, if they say “I’m not ready for any sort of commitment”, believe them. Don’t think “if I show you enough love, you’ll want to be committed to me”. It’s unlikely and do you really want to put in a lot of effort for little reward when they’ve already made it clear that’s not what they want.
Vulnerability – once we’re committed, we’re more vulnerable too. The other person knows our weaknesses and parts of ourselves we’re not sure about. Make sure that you’re allowed to be vulnerable at times within the relationship and that your partner is happy for you to show that part of you.
Empathy – this is about understanding your partner and feeling that they understand you. It’s being able to walk in someone else’s shoes and realise that things aren’t always easy for them, whether that’s to do with their work or some other aspect of their private life.
Communication – sometimes this can seem at cross-purposes as if your partner isn’t really listening but ultimately, if your partner is free of criticism and doesn’t make snap-judgments the road is open for good communication so that you feel supported by them.
Equality – this isn’t only about who usually does the cooking, washing-up or childcare, it’s also about each person being involved in decision-making regarding where you live, how you spend your money and what you do in your spare time together. No one person should overshadow the other – each one needs to be ‘heard’ and have some things the way they like rather than always give in to the other one.

By achieving the above, things are hopeful for a good and long-lasting relationship that will last into the future.

If you’ve enjoyed reading this post and have found it interesting, please like and share with your friends. If you’re viewing this on your phone, there’s a button to ‘follow’ me so that you can easily see my future blogs.

In Your Thirties And Still Finding Life A Struggle?

1 Reply

When people reach their thirties they’re often told that they are in the prime of their lives but this isn’t the case for a lot of young adults.

In fact it can be a time of self-doubt and panic with many of the same feelings associated with the traditional symptoms of a mid-life crisis (usually occurring in the late forties and early fifties). For young adults struggling with many options now available to them and feeling indecisive about some of them, a lot of thirty-somethings can experience depression and anxiety.

With the opportunities to expand careers and travel the world more freely, the choices are more varied than in previous generations but the quest for ‘success’ is much higher too. As a society we put a lot of emphasis on ‘success’ which, for most people, means earning a lot of money and achieving some sort of status through doing so. However, as a counsellor and psychotherapist, but also in my private life, I’ve seen that this constant emphasis on these aspirations does not necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, quite the opposite is true because people get tired and stressed, often losing their motivation and then start to wonder what it’s all about. Constant striving for more can stop people ‘enjoying the moment’ because they’re always looking for the next goal to achieve.

Whilst achieving goals is a good way to enhance self-esteem and motivation, some balance needs to be achieved to feed our inner spirits as well.

However, although uncomfortable and worrying, if people feel stuck in a job or way of life, it can trigger an urge to change things, often for the better. It’s a time of reflection, of saying “is this what I really want?” and if the answer is “no”, this provides the impetus to make changes. This isn’t easy if you feel that you’re stuck in a relationship that doesn’t feel right but, because there are two people in the relationship, talking is the first key to changing things. We can all get stuck in a rut where relationships are concerned, particularly in our thirties when quite possibly there’s a mortgage or high rent combined with a small child and both partners working. However, we all need some time to relax and recuperate from the stresses of work and childcare and it’s important to factor in time for that. If you both want different things in life (and this may not have been the case when you set out together), it may be the time for relationship counselling to see how you can hopefully work things out together, rather than separating and losing a lot of what you’ve built up together, both emotionally and financially.

If it’s your job that’s now a problem because it’s not going the way you had anticipated or you’re not getting the promotions you’d hoped for, feeling ‘stuck’ can provide the stimulation you need to explore different options. This might be to look into re-training opportunities, moving to a different area either job-wise or geographically and generally thinking about where you want to be in five years’ time.

Even though the thirties are adulthood, many people still try to live up to their parents’ expectations of them. For some, this is a great way of seeing what else they can achieve, but for others it’s a burden that they don’t want. In these cases, it’s important to have a conversation (or more than one) with parents, along the lines of you’re not happy and want to make changes which you will make with their blessing.

This time during your thirties may also be a time when you re-evaluate friendships, some of which just aren’t working for you any more. Ask yourself why and whether you or your friend(s) can still make time for each other. It may also seem that you no longer have anything in common – however, one thing that you might have is a shared history and this is often an important part of friendship that we can’t put a price on. If that person, or people, have been there for you in difficult times, that’s quite a bond and worth thinking about before you decide to make permanent distance between you.

In the same way, you might have decided that you no longer want to be treated in a certain way by people you come into contact with – if you often feel ‘put down’ by others, it’s time to look at how you might be more assertive and not accept put-downs.

So, being in your thirties can be the time to reflect on where you are and where you want to be, making changes if you feel that’s right for you and setting goals to achieve that. It’s not easy to change but the rewards can be great and hopefully you’ll start living your life in a way that’s more fulfilling for you and those close to you.

Same But Different.

Blogging my way through change.

Category Archives: Loneliness