Category Archives: Self-esteem

Does Happiness Suddenly Seem Out Of Your Reach?

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Most people know that the last couple of years have been very hard for most of us but now that it looks as if things are beginning to look up, it’s natural to think that you’ll feel happier and more content. But maybe happiness still seems just beyond your grasp and you’re not sure why. In fact, you feel guilty because you know that you should feel happier now.

Well, there’s no should in counselling – it’s not a helpful word and is loaded with expectation.

If you’re feeling like this, maybe there are reasons for it and once you know the reason, you can do something about it.

  • You forget that you do have different options so there’s choice. It’s easy to forget that possibility when you’re feel stuck with the same issues every day, whether these are at work, home, with relationships or something that seems outside your control. But, if you can make one little change in the way you deal with things, you’ll almost certainly find that other things will change – it’s a bit like those dominos that are lined up where, if you push one, all the others behind it fall down too. We don’t want people or things to fall down but this ‘domino effect’ can be quite startling!
  • Maybe you’re too hard on yourself – if you’re always expecting perfection in what you do and then get upset when you can’t achieve it, remember that imperfections are what make us human. To combat this, set yourself achievable goals – not quite as high as before, but enough to help you to feel good when you attain them.
  • It could be that you depend on others for your own happiness but it’s better to rely on yourself to be happy, rather than expecting other people to fulfil that for you. How can you do that? By not always seeking other peoples’ approval but trying meditation and self-reflection (maybe by writing in a journal and then looking back on it) to discover the inner you and what makes you feel more contented.
  • It could be that you feel envious of other people, especially if they seem to ‘sail through life’. But everyone has their own low points and struggles, even if it doesn’t seem like that. The main thing is how you see your challenges and ultimately, how you face and deal with them. This is partly about re-framing things and not seeing everything as a disaster. Of course, some things are a disaster, but in everyday life, a lot of things aren’t as bad as we think and there’s often a positive, even if we can’t see it at the time. We have choices about how we perceive what happens to us and try to change it from a negative to a positive.
  • Apparently, having too much clutter can be associated with anxiety and depression. If you feel that this is the case, get tough with yourself and start going through your wardrobe and cupboards, sorting out what you can take to charity shops and what you still really need. Lighter cupboards, lighter spirit!
  • Lastly, maybe you don’t make time for fun because you’re so busy in everyday life that fun has taken a back seat. But it’s important to laugh, enjoy life and find a few minutes each day to have a some fun – this means different things to different people but it could be doing hopscotch in the kitchen (remember hopscotch?), brewing beer, hula hooping, knitting for a doll – anything that brings a smile to your face. Whatever it is that floats your boat, try to do it every day.

Once you stop pursuing happiness, it often shows up quickly. Good luck with the above and let me know how you get on.

If you’ve found this blog helpful, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

What If Your Relationship Goals Are Different?

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Most of us have been guilty of scrolling online to see how other couples manage their relationships or, if social media isn’t your thing, possibly comparing your relationship to those of your friends. Whilst this can be harmless, it can also lead to unhealthy expectations. 

If your relationship is in its early stages, you’re probably pretty optimistic about your goals for the future being similar to those of your partner, but have you checked that out? If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you’ll know that your priorities, and therefore your goals, are probably very different now from when you started out together.

Prevention is the best way forward in a new relationship, talking about your priorities and what’s important to you. That means discussing whether or not you want children – this can be a big sticking point because although one of you might agree to defer having a family, actually not wanting children is a very different thing and although it’s tempting to think that the other person might change their mind, you can’t count on that; nor should you because even if there’s a lot of love between you, it doesn’t mean that one or other of you wants children. In the same way, if one of you travels a lot for work and that’s likely to continue, but the other one wants to live in one place and put down roots, a conversation needs to be had about this difference. One important thing is to be true to yourself because if you’re not, ultimately it will be hard to be happy in your relationship.

Peoples’ priorities change and giving your partner permission to change and grow isn’t always easy. If they change what they thought they wanted, try to treat them with encouragement and kindness; in other words, in the same way that you’d like to be treated if you changed what you thought you wanted. Sometimes, one of you has to give up your dreams for a while so that your partner can achieve their goals – that can be a big sacrifice but easier if you’re confident that your partner will do the same for you in the future. Before you agree to that, look back on other decisions in your relationship – is your partner usually reliable and do they keep to what they said they’d do? If you’re the one making concessions, are you likely to bring this up every time you argue, brooding on whatever’s happened and not enjoying your relationship in the moment?

The main thing is that each of you has to have satisfaction with the relationship otherwise it will impact the relationship itself. Having different life goals can leave you wondering if your relationship will work at all so if you can resolve these in the early stages of your relationship, all the better. If you’re several years down the line, compromise and talking to each other is the key to understanding what’s happing. This is the time to focus on what you have in common and what brings you together when times are hard.

Don’t sweat the small stuff – rather than focusing on the little things, look at the bigger picture. Where do you want to be as a couple and a family in five years’ time? Try to bring your attention back to all the similarities that you share.

It’s almost impossible to come to an agreement on everything in your lives but there’s often room for compromise, so is there a way to meet in the middle? You should never give in and say “yes” if it goes totally against what you really want. Compromise means both of you giving a little bit, not everything.

We all change and even have the right to change but that’s not easy anyone concerned. You might even surprise yourself with the changes you want! Being open-minded is helpful, as is growing together as opposed to growing apart and being open to new ideas.

If you can’t find a reasonable compromise, couples counselling might well help you along the way – sometimes it helps to have another qualified person to support both of you whilst you look at the different options and how things might be resolved between you.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Feeling Lonely Doesn’t Mean There’s Something Wrong With You

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I’ve used this heading because loneliness can sometimes make you feel like some sort of outcast as well as destroying your self-esteem. Maybe you’ve always felt lonely or perhaps you used to be outgoing with lots of friends but found that somehow that changed over the years.

But, loneliness can happen to anyone, not just people who are shy; there are lots of reasons why we can feel lonely and these are often related to trauma or loss, discrimination, financial problems, chronic health conditions, depression or life changes. It can take an enormous emotional toll and it’s more than just sadness. As anyone who’s experienced loneliness knows, it can cause you to feel negatively about who you are as well as affecting your concentration and problem-solving abilities because you lose confidence in your decisions.

So, if you recognise these feelings, along with suffering sleep disturbances and feeling anxious, what can you do about it?

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge what you’re feeling. Actually naming it is important when trying to cope with loneliness because you can’t find a solution if you don’t acknowledge what you’re dealing with.

Then try to meet more people; this can be nerve-wracking at first, but take tiny steps to reconnect with old friends and family (as long as you get on well with them!) as well as trying every couple of weeks to make a new connection, perhaps inviting someone for a coffee or suggesting a visit to the cinema. A lot of people don’t thrive in large groups so connecting on a smaller scale will be more helpful. I know that this is hard and there might be a few knockbacks, but changing things is always hard. The more you do it, the easier it will become.

All of this takes time so be patient; it may take a while to feel even slightly comfortable but don’t rush and seek healthy relationships where you put down some boundaries from the start.

After that, make use of some time alone. You can use it as a springboard to taking back control over what you’re feeling so take up a new interest and set yourself achievable goals. As I’ve said before, it’s no use setting goals that are too high and unachievable as you’ll end up feeling defeated and even worse than before. Most importantly, value the activity/interest that you choose.

Often, the deepest connections we make come from people who understand what we’re going through. Most of us gravitate towards others with the same opinions and views on life. There are online support groups that will help you build relationships and to share experiences. Don’t depend on these entirely for support, but you will hopefully find that they can be another tool to help with your feelings of loneliness.

Along the way, make sure you eat well, get enough sleep, exercise as well as have some time relaxing. Writing a journal is almost always helpful – writing out what you’re feeling can make such a difference, even though you might have to push yourself to do this at times.

Lastly, consider working with a counsellor or look at cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) online – this will challenge any negative thinking and redirect your emotions and thoughts more constructively. There are some online resources providing this and CBT can be very helpful for working with loneliness.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

“Here’s The Line I Won’t Cross…..”

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It’s one thing to set boundaries when you’re interacting with other people, but what about setting boundaries for yourself? If you can do this, it’s the beginning of a healthy relationship with the person that you often put last – you. Being happy with who you are, having self-respect and being present in your day-to-day life means that you’re more likely to find happiness rather than always pursuing a better tomorrow.

In our society, the media often tells us that having more is better – more money to buy things and more friends and experiences on social media – where does it end? Often, our spending hides a desperate need to escape feelings of dissatisfaction although underneath we know that happiness isn’t found in the things we buy or in dreaming about our next holiday.

But saying “no” is easier said than done and this is where our personal boundaries come in; they’re essential for establishing as well as sustaining personal relationships with others and also, ourselves. It’s when we say to ourselves as much as to others – “here’s the line I won’t cross”. That’s because we’re in a relationship with ourselves too. So, how to go about this? Well, have a look below and see what you think:

  • Think about your own worth – saying no becomes a lot easier when you detach your own worth from the things that you own (material possessions) as well as your professional identity. It doesn’t mean that you’re a better person because you have a bigger house or because you’ve lots of credentials. It’s more about your worth being part of who you are, your principles and sense of humanity.
  • Be honest with yourself too – if you really want a new designer watch, ask yourself why that is. Perhaps you have a desire for status or want to be noticed for having something recognisable but before you buy it, ask yourself what or who you’re doing it for. The same with a job promotion – maybe you’re doing it for an increase in salary but if it’s mainly so that people look at you differently, ask yourself if that alone is enough for you or is being happy without the extra stress more important?
  • Remember that you can’t be everything to everyone. Trying to please a lot of people often results in spreading ourselves too thin. You’ve only so much time and energy so be careful with your choices and don’t constantly push yourself too hard.
  • That brings me onto comparing yourself with others – what someone is doing and how they’re doing it rarely has any bearing on what and who you are. Resolve to focus on your own life with its standards and goals.
  • Lastly, maybe you’re your own worst critic! Try to have realistic expectations of yourself and when you set goals, take into account that they need to be realistic. Unachievable goals can set us up for failure, whereas achievable ones help us feel good about ourselves as well as able to go a little bit further if we want to.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Are You In Love With A Difficult Person?

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Much as you love your partner, you may well find them difficult some of the time or even most of the time. Maybe when you first met, they seemed charming and fun although a little challenging (which you possibly found very appealing in some ways!). But now, you’re finding that you’re second-guessing yourself, doubting your own decisions and, somehow, it’s not so much fun.

If you’ve tried being considerate, making excuses for them and not expecting too much, you may find yourself feeling hopeless at times. If your partner has the following traits, it’s time to find different strategies:

  • Communication and discussion is vague – decisions that you made together somehow get changed or even denied.
  • They often blame you for things – it’s never their fault. Actually, they may not always blame you; sometimes it’s their family, their friends, colleagues or even the weather but whoever or whatever is to blame, they’re not accountable and can’t be wrong.
  • Instead of acting on facts, they only respond to their own feelings rather than what actually happened. This means that they make assumptions about what you’re feeling, whether it’s about your motives or your needs, and truly seem to believe to that they know you better than you know yourself!
  • They’re incapable of self-reflection – looking inwards is almost impossible for them.
  • Every disagreement turns nasty because any conversation that they can’t control will end with you giving in sooner or later, either because of an argument or because they become silent, ignoring you (passive-aggressive behaviour).

So, if you recognise this all too well, how can you deal with it?

Step one is to try to get the root of what is wrong – is there a bigger underlying problem? Try to see things from their perspective and reverse your roles to try to understand how they feel. Try to find the middle ground but make sure that your own needs are taken into account as well.

Keep calm, however hard that is, but if this is important to you, stick to what you feel is right stating your point of view calmly.

Try to understand their personality – everyone is different and things that you find easy to cope with, they may find very challenging. If you can find new and more positive ways to react, it will help to keep things smooth between you. That’s not to say that you have to be a pushover – if you honestly feel that you’ve been reasonable, don’t capitulate and fall in with what they want. You may have to withstand a day or two of silence which is unpleasant, but in the long-term, it might be worth it.

Pick your battles – not everything is worth arguing about so choose the issues that are really important to you and don’t waste your energy fighting about small things.

If they want space, try to give them that because if you have a balance in your lives, sometimes pursuing different hobbies and doing things in different ways, it can be very positive for your relationship.

If your partner is usually kind and loving, try to focus on that as much as possible.

Unfortunately, if you’ve given it your best shot over a period of time and things continue as they were, it might be time to walk away but before you do that, couples counselling is another option that will help you to clarify the situation between you. Although one or both of you might be resistant to this, it could be just the thing to put you back on the right track or clarify the fact that it’s best to separate – not easy, but sometimes the only reasonable option left.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger