Category Archives: Sexuality

How Hard Is It To Change Your Behaviour?

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Any counsellor and psychotherapist will tell you that you can only change your behaviour if you really want to – it can be done, but it often takes hard work.

However, don’t despair, because if you’ve decided that you really want to change, starting with some small steps can make a big difference. There are often some common patterns that can hold you back though – here are some of them; take a look and see if they resonate with you and, if so, what you can do about them.

  • One of the first, and most compelling, is negative self-talk; to make some real changes, start believing in yourself and replace self-criticism with some positive affirmations like “I can do this if I put my mind to it”. Believing in yourself is really important.
  • Fear of failure is also something that will hold you back, even if you’re determined to change. It can hold you back in a big way but try to recognise that in order to grow, you’ll inevitably make mistakes but these are natural and are part of your development.
  • Procrastination is a big one too and can really hold us back when we’re trying to change. Try to prioritise your tasks and aim to be consistent, setting small goals along the way so that you’re often achieving some progress even if it’s not as quick as we’d like!
  • Don’t compare yourself to other people – nothing’s more demoralising than constantly making comparisons. If you’re doing this, try to avoid social media for a while – instead, focus on yourself and your personal growth.
  • Trying to please other people and a desire to make them happy or do what they expect of you means that you can often neglect your own needs. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfish, even if that’s a message that you took from childhood, but it’s essential if you want to change and prioritise yourself at times.
  • Lastly, try to set more boundaries with friends, family and colleagues – the hardest thingabout change is that other people in your life may not like it. They say things like “you never used to react like that” and “why have you changed? You were always so easy-going” – these comments make it harder to change and we default back to our old ways. Of course people in your life preferred it when you fell in with their ideas and needs and they won’t always want you to change but for your own long-term happiness, it can be a life-changer, so give it a go.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Has Grief Impacted On Your Relationship?

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When we experience loss, whether it’s related to someone close dying, getting divorced or losing our job, we all grieve in different ways. Grief is an acutely painful reaction to the loss we’ve experienced and there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel.

One thing’s for sure though – it nearly always affects our relationships, particularly in marriage or partnerships: it can cause conflict, bring you closer together or make you feel disconnected from the person or people you live with.

Physical symptoms vary from person to person but often include confusion, anger, guilt, irritability, aggression or loss of interest in what’s going on around them.

Ideally, the shared experience of loss can bring people together so that they find solace and strength from one another and don’t feel so alone. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case and people who were once close, feel far apart. Understanding this can be the first step forward, whether it’s you who’s grieving, your partner or both of you.

If you can remember that there’s no set timeline for grieving and that it can take you by surprise at the unlikeliest of times, you’re more likely to get through it together rather than it driving you apart.

If you’re the one who’s experienced a loss, it’s easy to think that your partner doesn’t understand which creates more distance between you.  However, by giving each other time and talking honestly about how it feels for each of you there is light on the other side. Sorry about the clichés but it’s sometimes the best way of expressing what might happen or is happening right now.

If you’re the one doing the supporting, it can feel an uphill battle but small acts of kindness, gentleness and not taking the negative emotions so personally can help a lot. Taking care of your own health is important too – you can’t help someone as well if you’re too exhausted to get through the day.

Lastly, try to have faith that one day things will look a bit brighter even if that seems almost impossible right now.

If you’ve enjoyed reading this, you can read more of my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

It’s All Too Easy To Feel Inadequate!

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Somehow, despite the fact that you might have lots of friends, a reasonable job and a life that seems happy on the surface, it’s still possible to feel inadequate on a day-to-day basis. If you feel like this and wonder if you’re good enough at work or home, it’s quite likely that you’re dealing with feelings of inadequacy.

It can hit you quite suddenly sometimes, whatever your gender or age, and have nothing to do with your actual abilities or performance. In fact, these sort of feelings aren’t unusual and have more to do with low self-confidence rather than what you achieve on a day-to-day basis. Such feelings of insecurity can shock us at times, especially if we’ve been confident in the past and they can cause anger, insecurity, a withdrawing from things you used to enjoy and lack of motivation. We all experience these feelings sometimes, but if you’ve felt them more lately, what can you do about it?

  • Learn to regulate your emotions as they’re then easier to manage – for instance, negative emotions can diminish our ability think clearly and make decisions which have the knock-on effect of fuelling feelings of inadequacy. If you’re feeling like this, take a quiet moment to reflect on what’s just happened and how you might deal with it.
  • Modify your expectations and don’t set unachievable goals; I mentioned this in my last blog too, but that’s because we set ourselves up for failure if our goals are consistently too high.
  • If part of your inadequacy stems from your work, particularly if you’ve taken on a new role, get help with the things you’re struggling with. You may need to go on a course to help at this point, but remember that no-one is good at everything they do straight away, even if it sometimes seems like that!
  • Develop some self-compassion and practice this every day, either with a short meditation each morning or writing down your strengths in a journal. There will be more than you realised, once you get started. Things that you may take for granted about yourself are probably qualities that other people admire in you. Not that you’re dependent on others to make you feel adequate, but recognising what makes you competent in a lot of areas will help you to feel better about being a capable human being.
  • Ask other people for help – choose someone that you trust and talk about how you’re feeling.

Hopefully, by practising the above every day, your feelings of inadequacy will subside and you’ll go back to enjoying life rather than constantly doubting yourself.

If you’ve enjoyed reading this, you can read more of my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Does Happiness Suddenly Seem Out Of Your Reach?

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Most people know that the last couple of years have been very hard for most of us but now that it looks as if things are beginning to look up, it’s natural to think that you’ll feel happier and more content. But maybe happiness still seems just beyond your grasp and you’re not sure why. In fact, you feel guilty because you know that you should feel happier now.

Well, there’s no should in counselling – it’s not a helpful word and is loaded with expectation.

If you’re feeling like this, maybe there are reasons for it and once you know the reason, you can do something about it.

  • You forget that you do have different options so there’s choice. It’s easy to forget that possibility when you’re feel stuck with the same issues every day, whether these are at work, home, with relationships or something that seems outside your control. But, if you can make one little change in the way you deal with things, you’ll almost certainly find that other things will change – it’s a bit like those dominos that are lined up where, if you push one, all the others behind it fall down too. We don’t want people or things to fall down but this ‘domino effect’ can be quite startling!
  • Maybe you’re too hard on yourself – if you’re always expecting perfection in what you do and then get upset when you can’t achieve it, remember that imperfections are what make us human. To combat this, set yourself achievable goals – not quite as high as before, but enough to help you to feel good when you attain them.
  • It could be that you depend on others for your own happiness but it’s better to rely on yourself to be happy, rather than expecting other people to fulfil that for you. How can you do that? By not always seeking other peoples’ approval but trying meditation and self-reflection (maybe by writing in a journal and then looking back on it) to discover the inner you and what makes you feel more contented.
  • It could be that you feel envious of other people, especially if they seem to ‘sail through life’. But everyone has their own low points and struggles, even if it doesn’t seem like that. The main thing is how you see your challenges and ultimately, how you face and deal with them. This is partly about re-framing things and not seeing everything as a disaster. Of course, some things are a disaster, but in everyday life, a lot of things aren’t as bad as we think and there’s often a positive, even if we can’t see it at the time. We have choices about how we perceive what happens to us and try to change it from a negative to a positive.
  • Apparently, having too much clutter can be associated with anxiety and depression. If you feel that this is the case, get tough with yourself and start going through your wardrobe and cupboards, sorting out what you can take to charity shops and what you still really need. Lighter cupboards, lighter spirit!
  • Lastly, maybe you don’t make time for fun because you’re so busy in everyday life that fun has taken a back seat. But it’s important to laugh, enjoy life and find a few minutes each day to have a some fun – this means different things to different people but it could be doing hopscotch in the kitchen (remember hopscotch?), brewing beer, hula hooping, knitting for a doll – anything that brings a smile to your face. Whatever it is that floats your boat, try to do it every day.

Once you stop pursuing happiness, it often shows up quickly. Good luck with the above and let me know how you get on.

If you’ve found this blog helpful, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

What If Your Relationship Goals Are Different?

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Most of us have been guilty of scrolling online to see how other couples manage their relationships or, if social media isn’t your thing, possibly comparing your relationship to those of your friends. Whilst this can be harmless, it can also lead to unhealthy expectations. 

If your relationship is in its early stages, you’re probably pretty optimistic about your goals for the future being similar to those of your partner, but have you checked that out? If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you’ll know that your priorities, and therefore your goals, are probably very different now from when you started out together.

Prevention is the best way forward in a new relationship, talking about your priorities and what’s important to you. That means discussing whether or not you want children – this can be a big sticking point because although one of you might agree to defer having a family, actually not wanting children is a very different thing and although it’s tempting to think that the other person might change their mind, you can’t count on that; nor should you because even if there’s a lot of love between you, it doesn’t mean that one or other of you wants children. In the same way, if one of you travels a lot for work and that’s likely to continue, but the other one wants to live in one place and put down roots, a conversation needs to be had about this difference. One important thing is to be true to yourself because if you’re not, ultimately it will be hard to be happy in your relationship.

Peoples’ priorities change and giving your partner permission to change and grow isn’t always easy. If they change what they thought they wanted, try to treat them with encouragement and kindness; in other words, in the same way that you’d like to be treated if you changed what you thought you wanted. Sometimes, one of you has to give up your dreams for a while so that your partner can achieve their goals – that can be a big sacrifice but easier if you’re confident that your partner will do the same for you in the future. Before you agree to that, look back on other decisions in your relationship – is your partner usually reliable and do they keep to what they said they’d do? If you’re the one making concessions, are you likely to bring this up every time you argue, brooding on whatever’s happened and not enjoying your relationship in the moment?

The main thing is that each of you has to have satisfaction with the relationship otherwise it will impact the relationship itself. Having different life goals can leave you wondering if your relationship will work at all so if you can resolve these in the early stages of your relationship, all the better. If you’re several years down the line, compromise and talking to each other is the key to understanding what’s happing. This is the time to focus on what you have in common and what brings you together when times are hard.

Don’t sweat the small stuff – rather than focusing on the little things, look at the bigger picture. Where do you want to be as a couple and a family in five years’ time? Try to bring your attention back to all the similarities that you share.

It’s almost impossible to come to an agreement on everything in your lives but there’s often room for compromise, so is there a way to meet in the middle? You should never give in and say “yes” if it goes totally against what you really want. Compromise means both of you giving a little bit, not everything.

We all change and even have the right to change but that’s not easy anyone concerned. You might even surprise yourself with the changes you want! Being open-minded is helpful, as is growing together as opposed to growing apart and being open to new ideas.

If you can’t find a reasonable compromise, couples counselling might well help you along the way – sometimes it helps to have another qualified person to support both of you whilst you look at the different options and how things might be resolved between you.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger