Category Archives: Social anxiety

When Toxic People Blame You For Their Actions

In our society, it’s often easier for people to shift blame to others than being accountable for what they’ve said or done. This is because it allows them to avoid their own difficult emotions like shame and guilt. Shifting responsibility in this way validates those individuals who want to avoid owning up to make mistakes – it’s a way of escaping the consequences of what they’ve said or done.

There are usually reasons why this happens, often to do with their own background where perhaps blame was a big part of their family dynamics or where they were taught to fight for everything and not give up. However, whatever the reasons, this behaviour can make life very difficult for those on the receiving end, not least because other people often collude with the bad behaviour to stop the focus being put on them instead. Some phrases that toxic people use are:

“You’re over-sensitive” – easy to say, this is often used by the toxic person, but the truth is that your sensitivity is often due to the fact that they’re insensitive and steam-roller over your feelings. It’s important to challenge any of your self-doubt when they say this because it’s their lack of empathy that’s the real issue.
“You’re being totally unreasonable” – this is often their response to you trying to put down some boundaries. They argue that their actions are totally justified.
“It’s all your fault” – this stems from the toxic person’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions. In other words, it’s your attitude that’s the problem. If you’re ever going to navigate a relationship like this, at work or in your personal life, it essential to recognise that you’re not always at fault, but that they’re deflecting blame and have an inability to accept responsibility for anything that they say or do.
“You always make a mess of things” – this is another way of them avoiding responsibility for what they’ve said or done. Despite your best efforts, things go pear-shaped because they’re derailed by the other person interfering and insisting that their way is best.
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing” – this is classic gaslighting when a toxic person belittles your concerns which are often due to their dismissive behaviour.
They’re critical of the decisions you make but cloak this with suggesting that they’re only trying to help you (if only……).
They cast blame without asking for an explanation but, as you may have found, your explanation is never adequate.
Toxic people are often (but not always) very active in community activities and they like to take the lead so that they can exercise more control.
They befriend people that they perceive are ‘needy’ or have less power than themselves do.
Lastly, but certainly not least, if you still don’t agree with them after they’ve tried to persuade you that your ideas or thoughts are wrong, they lose their temper and shout or become very aggressive. Frightening!

Most of us have met people like this and, interestingly, they’re often admired by the wider community who don’t see the other side of this person until they themselves come under fire.

So, that’s how you can recognise a toxic person, but what can you do about it?

First of all, it’s alright to reject their ‘advice’ (often unasked for); this can mean finding your way through difficult conversations whilst standing your ground and setting your own personal boundaries.

Toxic people often complain about others and always have a new story about someone who, in their eyes, has done something wrong. If they turn their attention to you, refuse to accept blame-shifting phrases and try responding with a simple “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I don’t agree with you and I think we need to leave it at that”. They probably won’t be able to leave it though as they have to be right and have the last word.

At this point, you can only refuse to engage with them any longer, walking away if necessary. It’s sad if you’ve had good times and a long history together, but respecting yourself and refusing to be dominated by a toxic person is paramount.

This is the time to move towards fostering much healthier relationships in the future.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

How Do You Know If You’re With The Right Person?

Leave a reply

In my last blog (posted on 3 January 2024) I wrote about how your relationship might have broken up around the time of Christmas or New Year and how you could deal with this. Even if you were the one instigating the breakup, it’s rarely an easy thing to do. This leads onto the question of how do we know if we’re with the right person. We all like to think that we have a good relationship but it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that it’s not always perfect. So does that mean that you’re not right together or that you should split up?

Sometimes, questioning what you have together is normal, even healthy, but what about if you’re having thoughts about someone else too? These sort of questions can consume you if you let them but, rest assured, that they’re pretty normal even if you feel guilty and confused about them at times.

It’s inevitable that we find other people attractive at times but whether you act on it or not is a different thing. Sometimes it’s because we think, subconsciously at least, that the other person outside our relationship might fulfil something that isn’t being fulfilled by our partner. This could be affection, love, sex, talking more or shared interests.

Also, something might have happened recently in your relationship that means you feel a disconnection with your partner. This might be the birth of a baby, a new job or a commitment that means you have less time to spend with one another.

If you’re serious about the relationship that you’re in, give yourself time and then try to address what’s been happening. Sometimes though, we just fancy someone else even though we know that taking it further would be disastrous!

If the other person is someone that you don’t see all that often, try to avoid running into them when possible, tempting though it might be to be around them. If it’s someone at work, or a neighbour (even a cousin or relative of your partner), it’s worth thinking about the changes you need to make, like not seeing them quite as regularly, or avoiding certain communal areas at work. It’s easier to focus on what you have already if the other person isn’t around so much.

Does this seem rather contrived? Possibly, but as a counsellor and psychotherapist I saw the misery caused by one partner acting on an impulse and ruining their relationship, if not forever, for many months ahead.

However, thinking about someone else endlessly is a signal that something needs to change, either in you or in your relationship so start talking to your partner, even if you’ve tried this before and things stayed the same. It’s an opportunity to make things better.

If you DO want to continue with your partner, ask yourself if you still have fun together, do you spend as much time with one another as you used to and have you been taking one another for granted. Can you be your true self with them? Now is a good time to look at how you might improve things between you.

At the beginning, falling in love was probably easy – it’s a heady feeling and one that enhances our lives hugely. But we often don’t have all the information about that person at the start and as time goes on, our partner’s faults are often all too easy to see. You have to balance what you know about them, positives and negatives, against the life you have and what you want. If that’s moving on together, it might need more work but it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed by any means. It’s flawed at times, but that’s because we’re all flawed as human beings and every relationship ebbs and flows. Also, lastly, we have a lot more expectations of a partnership now than people appeared to have years ago (some people might refute this!) so it’s hard to get it right all of the time.

What do you think? Let me know if you have any thoughts on this – maybe you’re going through something like this at the moment. Hopefully this blog has helped you sort out some things in your mind.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Did You Break Up From Your Partner Recently?

Leave a reply

There’s rarely a good time to break up but if it happened before or over Christmas, somehow it seems harder. Everyone else seems happy and coupled-up and maybe you were the same a few weeks ago – looking forward to the Christmas break, having a few days off from work and spending times together and now this. If your partner was the one who decided to end it you might still be trying to come to terms with it and maybe New Year with more celebrations seemed like the last straw. All that, only to find out that he/she has already started seeing someone else!

How can that have happened so quickly? Were they seeing that person before they broke it off with you? These questions can haunt you in the middle of the night or any time you get a moment to think about them. You can look them up on FB, listen to your friends and endlessly wonder if your ex is as happy with them as you were together.

The feelings you experience can be gut-wrenching and pull at you all the time.

Whether it’s a ‘rebound relationship’ or whether they waited a few months or longer before getting together with someone new, there will be friends who will probably tell you about it if you all live close to one another. It’s tempting to ask lots of questions but, if possible, try not to – it won’t help and everything you find out will make things more painful, not less so.

So, to help you keep your sanity and stop you going into a dark place, here are a few ideas to keep you going along the way:

Unless they left you for the other person, in which case it’s usually a betrayal, realise that your ex has the right to see someone new. It might seem unfair that while you’re struggling to get over the break-up they’ve already found someone new but people often do this because it helps them get through.
It might be the right time for them, if not for you. It may seem callous that they’ve done this so quickly, but it often happens – a lot of people (not all) prefer to be part of a couple rather than being alone.
Try to remember why you broke up, even if you don’t completely understand it yet. There was a reason although you probably can’t see it at the moment. At least you are no longer the one who has to put up with their lack of punctuality, spending habits, drinking or any number of other things that you now realise you found irritating!
It’s not a race to see who finds someone new first – you can’t speed through heartbreak and if you’re not in a place where you can envisage getting together with someone new so quickly, give yourself time.
Don’t compare yourself with the new person – it’s tempting to do so and even to try to understand what your ex sees in that relationship but you’ll probably never know so don’t torture yourself about it.
Avoid stalking them online – the internet has definitely made it harder to work through feelings of rejection because we can see updates about our exes lives. If you see that your ex has already gone on holiday with that person, you will relive the heartbreak. Try not to have even the tiniest peek at their profiles and photos.
Accept that you’re bound to feel a bit strange – it’s going to feel weird but that’s actually normal and not necessarily a signal that you want them back.
Pull the focus back to you – this is the time to catch up with friends and family, find a new interest and enjoy what you have, doing what you want to do.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Happy Christmas To All Of You!

Leave a reply

Wishing everyone a very happy Christmas and a joyful New Year.

Maybe Your Relationship Needs More Boundaries?

Leave a reply

This sounds easy doesn’t it? But actually, maintaining and reinforcing boundaries in relationships is a hard thing for a lot of people to manage. Part of it is about not being able to say “no” to other people and not wanting to disappoint them. This is even if it’s at the expense of your own energy and time. Sounds familiar? I’ve sometimes found putting down boundaries hard myself so I know it’s easy to get into that role of not respecting yourself enough.

Here are a few things to try:

First of all, you need to give yourself permission to set some boundaries, rather than falling in with what someone is asking of you. For instance, if you feel that you should say “yes” to a friend’s requests for help because that’s what being a good friend means, try to work out whether that’s always realistic and necessary. If you’re always the one doing the giving, try to say something like “I can’t fit that in this week, but I might be able to next month”.
It’s difficult to set good boundaries until you’re sure of where you stand – everyone has physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limits. Think about what you can accept and sometimes tolerate and what makes you feel uncomfortable and follow those through.
Tune into what you want – resentment usually comes about when we feel unappreciated or taken advantage of. Or, it might be that someone is always pushing their own views and values onto you. It’s alright to say “I don’t really agree with that” – there doesn’t need to be an argument about it; you’re entitled to an opinion and just because someone might be more articulate than you, doesn’t necessarily make them right!
How people grew up, along with their role within their family, often has a big effect on how you deal with boundaries. If you’re brought up to always focus on the needs of others, it can seem like the norm to always put others first. The main thing is that relationships are reciprocal and that’s a hard balance in some families. If you are in the habit of always putting others first, in the home or at work, there might be surprise or resentment if you stop doing that. People may want to know why you’ve changed and it’s up to you as to how you respond, but honouring your own needs is really important.
If someone has a similar communication style to your own, you probably don’t need a direct approach but with people who have a different cultural background or personality, you may need a more direct approach. However, bear in mind that one person’s healthy way of communicating might feel disrespectful to another. Whatever the situation though, it’s alright to have boundaries and make them clear.
There are bound to be times when you lapse, but making your own self-care is a priority here. By that I mean, recognising the importance of your own feelings and giving yourself permission to put yourself first sometimes.
Finally, establishing boundaries takes time – start with something small that isn’t too threatening and gradually build up to more challenging boundaries. In that way, it won’t feel too overwhelming.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.