Category Archives: Social anxiety

Finding A New Partner

How hard is it to find a new partner, especially if you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship?

If this is what you want (and maybe you don’t at the moment, having decided that it’s fine to be on your own for a while), then you’ll soon notice that things have changed. A lot!

First of all, you need to decide what sort of person you’re looking for. Create a list and be honest. If you don’t want to get together with someone who has children of their own, admit it to yourself from the start. However, if you’re over thirty-five, this will severely decrease the number of people who will come into your sphere.

That brings me onto the need to be flexible which is in contradiction to the previous point but I want you to think about it. If you can be flexible in this and other ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’, you may find that your life opens up no end. If you hate camping, it’s probably better to say so straight away but if caravanning doesn’t produce an anxiety attack, maybe there’s a compromise. The same goes for music and other interests.

You have a choice now whether to register online with a free dating site, pay for a more specialised service or hope that you’ll meet someone through your work or friends. Money will play a big part in this – if you can’t afford a monthly online site, you’ll need to choose one of the other ways. How did people meet one another years ago before computers and the internet? Usually at work or through friends/mutual interests. It worked then and sometimes it still works now.

If you go with the dating online site, you need to become quite savvy – it’s no use being really modest by putting things like “I’m just not used to this and not very good at it” – it’s putting yourself down and sounds really insecure.

However, boasting isn’t very attractive either – “I’m have a high-flying job and a Porsche” sounds pretty arrogant but confidence is fine so you could say “I cook a really good lasagne and am good for a laugh”.

Specific information can be good too – “I like looking at rainbows and one of the best I saw was when I visited Northumberland” gives a clue to the fact that you like travelling around a bit and is more interesting than “I like hanging out with friends”.

Don’t talk about any exes in your profile – it’s a real turn-off. Most people who are looking at your profile will realise that you have a past, as we all do; there’s time to talk about it when you meet face-to-face and preferably not at the first meeting.

Always put a photo on your profile – bite the bullet and make it a recent one as so many people have been disappointed at the first meeting to find the other person uploaded a photo taken twenty years ago!

Remember that playing hard to get doesn’t work any longer – waiting three days to reply may well mean that the other person has found someone else during that time.

If none of the above appeals, you can try the old-fashioned way of finding someone new through a shared interest, preferably where you can see them in the company of other people first. It will show whether they have any social skills, how they interact with people and generally whether they’re fairly likeable. You could find someone in the workplace or connected to your work in some way – there are lots of different scenarios but the old adage of finding love when you least expect it is as true as ever!

Ever Wish You Were More Assertive?

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Do you often wish you were more assertive? Most of us have that feeling sometimes, especially if we’re feeling ‘put down’ by someone else.

First of all, let’s look at the definition of assertiveness – it involves standing up for your personal rights and expressing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs directly, honestly and openly in ways that are respectful of the rights of others. This means that an assertive person acts without undue anxiety or guilt.

Assertive people respect themselves and other people and take responsibility for their actions and choices. They also recognise their own needs and ask openly and directly for what they want. If refused, they may feel saddened, disappointed or inconvenienced, but their self-concept isn’t shattered.

They are not over-reliant on the approval of others, and feel secure and confident within themselves.

Assertive people give the lead to other people as to how they wish to be treated.

If someone is assertive, these are usually the messages that they communicate:

This is what I think

This is how I feel

This is how I see the situation. How about you?

If our needs conflict, I am certainly ready to explore our differences and I may be prepared to compromise

The subconscious thoughts are ‘I won’t allow you to take advantage of me and I won’t attack you for being who you are’.

In counselling and psychotherapy, the goal with assertiveness is to communicate clearly, adult to adult:

There are verbal and non-verbal parts to this and they are:

Receptive listening

Firm, relaxed voice

Direct eye contact

Erect, balanced, open body stance

Voice appropriately loud for the situation

“I” statements (“I like”, “I want”, “I don’t like”)

Co-operative phrases (“What are your thoughts on this?”)

Emphatic statements of interest:

I would like to……
I understand…..
However…..
I suggest…….

Expressing yourself by:

Choosing the right time and place
Making notes beforehand – this may help
Being concise – do not allow yourself to nag or be sidetracked
Taking responsibility by beginning with “I”
Choosing your words – be careful not to insult, threaten or denigrate.
Be honest and positive but tactful. Criticise actions rather than personality

The following spoil communication:

Judging, blaming, criticising
Excessive inappropriate questioning – using closed questions
Interrupting, finishing sentences
Dismissing the other person’s concerns

So, the pay-offs from being assertive are:

The more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect, the higher your self-esteem.

Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly when you let others know what you want and stand up for your own rights and needs.

Expressing yourself directly at the time of negative feelings means that resentment is not allowed to build up.

Being less preoccupied with self-consciousness and anxiety, and less driven by the needs of self-protection and control you can see, hear and love others more easily.

With practice you will gain confidence in being assertive and this can take much of the distress out of life.

However, as with most things, there may well be a price to pay for being assertive and these can be:

That friends, employers or colleagues may have benefited from your non-assertion and may sabotage your newly developed assertion.

You are reshaping your beliefs and re-examining values that have been closely held since childhood. This can be frightening.

There are no ‘tablets of stone’ to guarantee an elegant outcome of your efforts.

There is often pain involved in being assertive but don’t give up – in the end it will be worth it!

Taking Back Control Of Your Life

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Maybe you’ve become aware that someone in your life is trying to control you, albeit in very subtle ways. Controlling people want to know about every facet of your life and often push your buttons to get an emotional reaction out of you. They can then exploit what they see as your weakness and it seems that they have no respect for your (or other peoples’ boundaries).

This could be a partner, sibling, colleague or friend. If you’ve realised what’s going on, you’ll probably start asking yourself why they’re doing that and it may not make a lot of sense to you. This is especially so if you’re a live-and-let-live sort of person and can’t understand why someone would want to micromanage your life.

There are lots of different theories about why someone would even want to control you:

Fear of abandonment – they don’t feel really secure in their relationships and are often testing to see if they’re about to be betrayed.
Narcissists – who look to control their environment by whatever means necessary, making other people pawns
People who can’t control themselves turn to controlling others. A person who’s full of insecurities finds a positive sense of themselves from others because their own self-esteem is actually too low to do it for themselves.

However, these are theories and if you’re reading this blog, you may have your own ideas about why someone in your life is trying to control you. It can by mystifying, especially when it feels that they only do it to you. However, most controlling people choose whom they control very carefully, albeit subconsciously at times. In other words, they know who they can control and who they can’t.

If you’re a target for a controlling person, it may be because:

You’re a good person with solid principles
You’ve achieved something that the controlling person would like
They admire a facet of your personality that they wish they possessed
The controller wants something that you have

In addition, there may be an element of learned behaviour here – if you’ve been a bit of a scapegoat within your family, for whatever reason, a sibling or partner will take on the role when you’re an adult.

Whilst there’s almost always an explanation for the way a controlling person behaves, ultimately it doesn’t matter if it’s having an adverse effect upon you and the way you live. One way to put a stop to this is to put down some strong boundaries and stop the controller stepping inside them. Be assertive with them if they’re pushing for too much information that you feel is inappropriate. Their requests may seem innocuous but there’s often a reason for them asking certain searching questions and you don’t have to answer everything you’re asked. Saying to someone who’s controlling “why would you want to know that?” may well take them aback but nonetheless, it’s a reasonable question that deserves a reasonable answer.

Some of the saddest clients that I’ve met over the years are those who are quietly but very efficiently controlled by their partner or their parent. We tend to think of men being more controlling in general but this hasn’t always been my experience in the counselling room. A lot of women control their partners very subtly by withholding something like affection, sex or company which can make the other person feel very vulnerable, especially as they’ve had a parent who took on a similar role when they were a child or if they lost a significant person in their life in their early years. Women are often very good at controlling their children too – even when they’re adults, these young people have to report back to their mothers, make sure that their parent always knows where they are and they have to keep in constant touch. Sadly, these young people don’t even realise that this is happening and often say things like “we’re so close. I’m so lucky to have her to guide me in everything”. In reality, without knowing it, their mother is actually still choosing their friends, where they go and whom they choose as life partners (usually someone malleable!).

Of course, this can, and often does, apply to men who are equally controlling as well but in our culture, we sometimes tend to think that women are mostly the ones being controlled and this isn’t always the case by any means.

Controlling can also be manipulative which means that the person controlling others makes sure that they don’t do tasks that they don’t like but makes sure that they get done by others (“I don’t do driving/ironing/making tea”), thereby assuming that the other person does like doing the onerous tasks. Sometimes, sheer audacity makes sure that the controlling person doesn’t do anything they don’t like and the rest of us end up accepting it as being totally reasonable!

If you have realised that someone close to you is very controlling, ask yourself whether you want to continue in this way. If you decide that you don’t want them in your life any longer, there will be repercussions that maybe you’re not willing to deal with. Some controlling people have a lot of positive points too and that’s why you get on with them at some level or another. Therefore, you may not be willing to let that go. If the person is a close family member there will inevitably be a lot of ‘fall-out’ if you cast them out of your life and in any case, that may seem too drastic.

Whether or not you can work out why they feel the way that they do, if you’re not comfortable with it, think about what I wrote earlier regarding putting down boundaries – with most relationships, there are only so many ways to deal with things you don’t like and these apply whether the relationships are personal or professional:

Continue in the same way which means nothing will change
Leave the relationship whether that’s in your personal or professional life. This can apply to family members, friends or colleagues. However, it’s often easier said than done – most of us don’t want to walk out on family or on our jobs (financially and professionally the latter often doesn’t make sense)
Change the way you deal with it – the other person is unlikely to change whether they’re controlling, disloyal or bullying. Once you accept that, you will be able to find ways of making it work better for you. Be prepared for comments like “why have you started doing it that way? It’s always worked alright before”. Well, it’s worked for them, but not for you! Bear that in mind and you will be able to make changes that mean that your life isn’t being controlled by someone else.

Think That You’re Loyal?

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Most of us like to think that we’re loyal to our family and friends – it almost goes without question. However, what people think of as ‘loyalty’ can differ greatly from one person to the next.

Some families pride themselves on being loyal to one another, no matter what the circumstances. This can sometimes result in an exclusiveness or ‘inner circle’ into which no-one else can intrude partly because they don’t know what the ‘rules’ of that circle are and because family members are so loyal to one another that it makes them tight-lipped about ongoing issues that might otherwise be resolved.

Loyalty is often thought of as an honourable character trait and implies that you have the ability to put others before yourself and to stick with them no matter what happens. There are some ground rules about this though and where friendship is concerned, and I am detailing a few of them below. Further on I will look at how loyalty, or lack of it affects your partner and your relationship. Here are some of the ground rules regarding friends:

Taking time to look at your friends’ needs – this is about being generous with your time, making sure that you listen to them when things are hard and helping them out by being an extra pair of hands. It’s also being there to laugh and cry with.
Being supportive, no matter what – this means supporting/being loyal to a friend, not because you want something back from them but because you want them to be happy.
Not talking behind their backs – if you’re having a problem with a friend, don’t stab them in the back by starting a rumour or by talking to other people about them. Instead, talk to them and learn to share your feelings with them as this will usually keep the friendship strong and healthy.
Give them your honest opinion – don’t just say what they want to hear but at the same time, be tactful when you’re doing so. Sometimes it’s hard to give your opinion but if you can back up your opinion with solid reasons, it will be easier for them to hear.
Balance your loyalty to one friend with loyalty to another – sometimes you will find yourself in a tight spot because being loyal to one friend might mean being disloyal to another. Don’t pick sides and try to be fair – explain to both friends where you’re coming from and hopefully they’ll recognise that you respect both of them and their opinions. If they hold that against you then maybe they weren’t the friend you thought they were.
Finally, balance your loyalties to friends with your own day-to-day needs. Being loyal to a social organisation or volunteer group at the expense of your family and friends may well result in feelings of loss and suffering regarding your relationships. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right.

Where your partner is concerned, thinking about the following can be helpful where loyalty is concerned:

Loyalty is something that usually builds up over time – it’s like trust that needs to be increased on the basis of evidence but it doesn’t mean that you don’t have boundaries for yourself or others.
Don’t put yourself in situations where your loyalty could slip – we’ve all been in those situations. Maybe your girl/boyfriend is going out or is away and another friend you’ve been a bit flirty with, suggests meeting for a drink. If you’re honest, you know it spells trouble so be loyal to your partner, even if you’re not entirely sure of them.
If you’ve crossed that line and done something to lose the trust of your partner, it’s going to take time to regain their trust. Stay loyal from now on, spend time doing something they love and make an effort to get on with their family and friends, hard though that may be sometimes.
If you need a little help being loyal – think about what you’ve got to gain. Your loyalty will usually inspire their own loyalty and the reward is feeling secure, happy and trusting.
It really hurts when our loyalty leaves us open to vulnerability – but that’s not a reason to distrust your partner automatically.
Behave in a way that you’d like your partner to behave – that is, with integrity and principles.

If you’re struggling to be loyal to someone close to you or you feel that someone has betrayed you and not shown loyalty, counselling could be a way of helping you to come to terms with what’s happened.

Are Your Panic Attacks Taking Over?

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Since 2007, NHS figures have shown that outpatient appointments for anxiety disorders, of which panic attacks are a common form, have increased five times and hospital admissions regarding this have increased by one third. In addition, the charity Anxiety UK has seen a 10 percent increase in calls to its helpline and email support network, with one in ten people suffering from panic attacks and, of these, two thirds are women

The first time that someone experiences a panic attack, they often think that they’re having a heart attack because their heart is beating very fast or irregularly and it is extremely frightening. Other symptoms can include dry mouth, sweating and dizziness and afterwards, some people say that they thought that they were going to die.

Panic attacks usually last from between 5 and 20 minutes and although they feel that something is very wrong, they aren’t usually dangerous and ultimately are usually harmless, except that the fear of having another attack often prevents people from going into situations where they fear the same might happen again.

However, if the attack continues after slow breathing for 20 minutes, you still feel ill after your breathing returns to normal or you still have a rapid or irregular heartbeat after your panic attack, you need to seek medical advice.

The definition of such attacks is ‘acute and disabling anxiety’ and they occur when your body is going into ‘fight or flight’ mode. Because your body is trying to take in more oxygen, your breathing speeds up and then your body starts to release hormones such as adrenaline, which causes your heart to beat even faster and often, your muscles tense up too.

If you have suffered such an episode, here are some tips to help you manage them in the future:

As the anxiety begins, try to ‘ride out’ the attack if possible, reminding yourself that the anxiety will pass.
Start breathing in deeply and slowly through your nose whilst counting to five and breath out through your mouth, again whilst counting to five. Close your eyes while doing this and focus entirely on your breathing.
Exercise regularly as this will help you to manage stress levels, improve your mood and boost your confidence.
Eat regular meals – this stabilises your blood sugar levels.
Avoid caffeine, smoking and alcohol – these can make panic attacks even worse.
If you’ve found that going into supermarkets and crowded places bring on anxiety, try to avoid them until you have regained your confidence regarding attacks.
There are support groups such as No Panic and they have useful advice about how to effectively manage such attacks. Knowing that other people have experienced these feelings can be helpful.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help to change negative thought patterns that might be feeding your panic attacks. It is one of the longest established CBT approaches that has been found to help many clients who have suffered in this way.

You may find that counselling will help to give you more support with panic attacks as well as other issues that may be going on in your life.