Category Archives: Uncategorised

“Smooth Seas Don’t Make A Good Sailor”

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There’s an African proverb that says, “Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.” In other words, it’s the hard knocks in life that soften our rough edges and help to shape us into someone who is resilient.

Whilst I think it’s true that having to deal with difficulties and disappointments often help to shape our characters, surely some people have too much to cope with? Life’s knocks can get us down especially if we have no real support, have to deal with a lot of ill health or cope with several bereavements within a short space of time.

The school of hard knocks isn’t the only way to build up resilience – there are several ways to get through hard times so that we can bounce back and feel happier. I have a lot of empathy for people whose lives have gone downhill with all the negativity that they’ve had to cope with but if you’re reading this in the hope of developing more emotional strength and feel  that you have too much to cope with, try the following  and see how you get on. I’m not saying that you won’t feel overwhelmed at times, but these tips will hopefully diminish those feelings so that you’ll feel happier again:

  • When things go wrong, try thinking “things will eventually get better, even if I can’t see that right now”. Being resilient is partly about realising that it’s unlikely to always be that way, even if you can’t see a way out right now.
  • Find something, however small that you can control – there are loads of things we can’t control and these include big challenges like broken relationships, bereavement or redundancy but by taking small steps in almost any area of life can help us to see a brighter future.
  • Sometimes we undermine our own resilience by thinking “Is this down to me?” rather than realising that sometimes things are out of our control such as when the car breaks down (’I should have made sure it was serviced’) or when we’re late and it’s had a knock-on effect on other things (‘I should have prioritised more; I’m no good at anything’). Give yourself a break emotionally and recognise that if you’ve had a lot of other more serious things to deal with, smaller things like servicing the car can easily get pushed to one side. Try to think about what you can do to stop the problem occurring again.
  • Focus on what’s gone right even if that’s hard – there will be one or two things that have actually been positive, even if other negative things have piled up. I’m not suggesting that if you’ve had a death in your family or are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, you shouldn’t let yourself grieve for what you’ve lost, whether that’s a person dear to you or a frightening illness, but even on the darkest days there will be one or two things that have been alright. It could be a kindly neighbour who’s taken in a parcel for you or even cooked you a meal, or that there was a glimmer of sunshine after hours of rain. Even on the worst of days, there will be some little things that were good and they can make a difference.
  • This isn’t about living a life where you pretend things are always fine but more about getting a perspective.
  • Ask other people to help you – when we have problems it’s so easy to feel isolated. Social media ensures that we’re constantly seeing people who apparently have perfect lives, having achieved great things but realistically, however true those stories are, most of us need help at times so don’t be afraid to ask for that if you’re struggling. This doesn’t have to put a burden on the person you’re asking for help – maybe you just need someone to listen or to share their knowledge about something that they know more about than you do.
  • Find something to laugh at – it could be an old episode of ‘Only Fools and Horses’, but really, anything that floats your boat so that you’re having a laugh, is good; really good.
  • Finally, find a distraction – it often helps to take time out, even if it’s only for a few minutes. One of the best things is exercise if you can motivate yourself to get out there and walk in the fresh air or go to a yoga or meditation class. This can often help us to think more clearly.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Setting Boundaries In Relationships

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This sounds easy doesn’t it? But actually, maintaining and reinforcing boundaries in relationships is a hard thing for a lot of people to manage. Part of it is about not being able to say “no” to other people and not wanting to disappoint them. This is even if it’s at the expense of your own energy and time. Sounds familiar? I’ve sometimes found putting down boundaries hard myself so I know it’s easy to get into that role of not respecting yourself enough.

Here are a few things to try:

  • First of all, you need to give yourself permission to set some boundaries, rather than falling in with what someone is asking of you. For instance, if you feel that you should say “yes” to a friend’s requests for help because that’s what being a good friend means, try to work out whether that’s always realistic and necessary. If you’re always the one doing the giving, try to say something like “I can’t fit that in this week, but I might be able to next month”.
  • It’s difficult to set good boundaries until you’re sure of where you stand – everyone has physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limits. Think about what you can accept and sometimes tolerate and what makes you feel uncomfortable and follow those through.
  • Tune into what you want – resentment usually comes about when we feel unappreciated or taken advantage of. Or, it might be that someone is always pushing their own views and values onto you. It’s alright to say “I don’t really agree with that” – there doesn’t need to be an argument about it; you’re entitled to an opinion and just because someone might be more articulate than you, doesn’t necessarily make them right!
  • How people grew up, along with their role within their family, often has a big effect on how you deal with boundaries. If you’re brought up to always focus on the needs of others, it can seem like the norm to always put others first. The main thing is that relationships are reciprocal and that’s a hard balance in some families. If you are in the habit of always putting others first, in the home or at work, there might be surprise or resentment if you stop doing that. People may want to know why you’ve changed and it’s up to you as to how you respond, but honouring your own needs is really important.
  • If someone has a similar communication style to your own, you probably don’t need a direct approach but with people who have a different cultural background or personality, you may need a more direct approach. However, bear in mind that one person’s healthy way of communicating might feel disrespectful to another. Whatever the situation though, it’s alright to have boundaries and make them clear.
  • There are bound to be times when you lapse, but making your own self-care is a priority here. By that I mean, recognising the importance of your own feelings and giving yourself permission to put yourself first sometimes.
  • Finally, establishing boundaries takes time – start with something small that isn’t too threatening and gradually build up to more challenging boundaries. In that way, it won’t feel too overwhelming.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Do You Sometimes Feel That You’re Being Judged?

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Feeling judged?

A judgmental person is usually describes someone who judges others, often without good reason – it’s almost always negative. As well as hurting other people’s feelings, even when that isn’t necessarily meant in a harmful way, being judgmental about others people can affect your own self-esteem and happiness.

As you may have found, judgmental people are everywhere! You might even be one of them without even realising it. But, if you’re the one feeling judged, how can you deal with it so that it doesn’t drag you down? Here are a few ideas:

  • Try to look at it as a life lesson. View every interaction with a judgmental person as a bit of a ‘test’ that you’re going to try to pass. You can either respond with negativity, attack them back or choose a positive response. By that I mean, try to turn around what they said and give it a positive spin.
  • Be compassionate. People aren’t born judgmental so something will have happened to them to make them like that. Maybe their family judged them along with everything else and it’s the only way they know. It doesn’t make their behaviour any better but you may be able to find a bit of empathy for them. As the Dalai Lama said “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion”.
  • Most of us find this pretty difficult and assume that someone’s doing or saying something because of us. However, highly judgmental people find fault with everyone (and everything!), especially themselves. They always behave like this, whatever the circumstances. If you protect yourself against the opinions and actions of other people, you won’t suffer unnecessarily.
  • Look beyond what is the obvious and, as I said earlier, most judgmental people are very critical of themselves. Often, what they’re saying about you or someone else is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Try to remember that when they’re making a judgmental comment about you or someone else.
  • Look upon them as children – if you can do that, you can extend it to not expecting them (children) to know everything and tolerating bad behaviour. Of course, we think that once a person’s an adult they should know better, having worked a lot of things out. However, many adults don’t really “get it” so if you can think of them as a child who’s still learning and growing, it will be easier to be more compassionate.
  • Maybe someone in your family is particularly judgmental of you – obviously that’s difficult but try to put their behaviour into context and try to find some positives in the situation (not easy, I know!) but if you try to focus on other family members who value you, that will help.
  • Remember, you don’t have to believe them. Just because someone judges you, doesn’t mean that what they’re saying is right or true! Most of these judgements are someone else’s opinion – they take pleasure in dragging someone else down but that doesn’t mean that you have to take their ideas on board!
  • Finally, focus your attention on the other people who support and love you. If you can avoid or remove the judgmental person from your life, all well and good. But if it’s a family member or your boss, try to put some distance between you when possible. Surround yourself with people who love you and want what’s best for yo

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Exclusivity In Families

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Feeling on the outside

Have you ever got together with someone whose family seem to welcome you but in fact, often exclude you too?

This sometimes happens in very close, happy families where people want to keep to what they know and ideally they only want others to join them if they have the same ideas and ‘world views’. This perpetuates their own ideas and they don’t have to spend too long pondering why someone else hasn’t fitted in to that. It makes life easier if any in-laws think the same as them!

Other families, who aren’t necessarily ‘happy’ in the usual sense, still have ideas about who is acceptable to join their family and who isn’t. They might be a family who is different from others in their community and that might be due to economic, religious or cultural norms. Inviting someone who is different into their family can dilute all their beliefs. 

These attitudes probably originated hundreds of years ago, sometimes due to economics and sometimes to religious views. Rich landowners ideally wanted their children to marry someone who was also rich and would bring financial security, in the form of owning land, into their own family. From a simplistic point of view, if a family belongs to a minority religion, they may feel that it’s better if their children can marry someone with the same religious beliefs to ensure the survival of their religion.

However, those attitudes aren’t as important today, although they still exist in some circles. Most people want their children to be happy and make their own choices but if they’re honest, they also want their adult offspring to make a choice that they too are happy with! It’s very easy to get into the “we’re the Smiths and we do things this way”, forgetting that there are other ways to do things; not necessarily better or worse, just different.

So if you’re part of a close family that always sits together at a table at weddings, parties and get-togethers, maybe try socialising with some of the other people there too.  It might be interesting and help you to meet new friends. 

If you’re feeling on the ‘outside’ of such a group, try to push yourself forward and enjoy their company – who knows, they might eventually realise that ‘different’ can be very positive!

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

When You Find Out Your Partner’s Been Unfaithful

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Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful is one of the worst feelings you can experience – it’s hard to explain how your heart drops and you feel completely betrayed. There are all sorts of emotions as well as feelings of numbness, disorientation (you’re part of the world but you don’t actually feel as if that’s the case), anger and depression.

You’ll probably have lots of questions too such as ‘why wasn’t I enough?’ and ‘how can you do this to me?’. Although you might have had suspicions that this had happened, actually having it confirmed makes it real. It also makes a difference whether your partner told you him/herself, you found out from someone else or discovered the awful truth in another way.

If, after weeks or months of questioning yourself and your partner (and maybe the other person concerned) you decide to try to stay and make things work, remember that it’s all going to take time to work through what’s happened and you can only do that if both of you learn from the experience.

Here are some things that you can think about and do to get beyond what’s happened and hopefully save your relationship:

  • There aren’t any right or wrong feelings – all the rage, possibly guilt (‘should I have done more to stop this happening?’), agitation, pain, confusion and shock are absolutely normal. Even not feeling much at all – that could be the numbness of shock which will wear off, or the fact that you’ve been half-expecting it for some time.
  • Start a journal – write down all your thoughts and feelings regarding what’s happened.
  • Don’t make any major decisions about ending your relationship right now – this is a time you could used to reflect on what’s happened and how you might deal with it, either by yourself or as a couple.
  • Ask all the questions you want. Talk with your partner about the infidelity but you may have to accept that he or she doesn’t know why it happened. That may seem strange (and infuriating!) but is sometimes the case. However, the other thing is that they may not want to reveal this to you (again, infuriating!).
  • If you have children, they need to know that you’re going to be alright. It’s hard to keep what you’re going through a secret but if they’re old enough to suspect something’s wrong, they don’t need to be weighed down with the details. Whatever you decide, don’t make promises that you can’t keep.
  • Take it one day at a time. Ideally, both you and your partner should be tested for STDs before you have sex again although that may be a while. 
  • Think about what boundaries you need in order for you to stay in the relationship and make them clear to your partner. More importantly, make sure that you stick to them, if only for your own self-respect.
  • Take care of yourself – physical reactions such as sleeplessness, nausea, breathlessness, shaking and either wanting to eat a lot or not at all are normal. Even if you were half-expecting it, you’ve had a shock and your body is reacting to it. Try to make sure you eat well, even if you don’t feel like it, do some exercise, don’t drink too much alcohol and take some time for yourself if at all possible.
  • It’s okay to laugh. Watch some funny films or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. ‘Life goes on’ is a cliché, but it’s also true – however much your heart is breaking, you still need to function.
  • It’s also okay to cry – it’s natural, for men and women. If you can’t cry yet, you will be able to at some point, probably about something else that doesn’t seem related to what’s happened to you.
  • This is a really hard one – try not to get into the blame game, including blaming the third person involved. It won’t change what’s happened. Also, tempting though it is, think about whether to tell your family or your partner’s family – they might hold a grudge for a long time, even when you’ve worked through it, either alone or with your partner.
  • You may have post-traumatic stress. If you still feel constantly ‘jumpy’, as if you’re walking on eggshells and shout at quite small things after four or five months, it’s probably time to seek outside help.
  • Get practical – look at how you’re going to cope with money in the future, where you will live if you decide to end your relationship and try to budget to see a solicitor about your situation. Some solicitors now offer twenty minutes’ free advice – that’s a good place to start.
  • It all takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful partner. Don’t expect the feelings, which probably include confusion as well as the inevitable mistrust, to fade quickly. It’s a big loss, even if you stay together, and is part of a grieving process. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is over but it will be different, sometimes in a good way although that’s very hard to believe at the beginning of this process.
  • Seek counselling – this can help and support you, either as a couple or by yourself. Talking about it in a confidential environment can help you to come to terms with what’s happened. For example, was it a one-night stand or due to a life or work crisis? Did you cheating happen to make the end of the relationship happen? Understanding some of it can help a lot.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.