‘These are not the best of times I know
I wouldn’t blame you if you choose to go
I’m sorry for this gloomy circumstance
But everyone deserves a second chance…..’

So say the opening lyrics of the song by Raul Midon (from his If You Really Want Album 2018) which explores the idea of second chances. But the whole concept of second chances partly depends on the sort of the relationship you have with the other person, whether that’s your lover, friend or family member.

It’s very human to want and hope for a second chance if we’ve offended someone or done something to hurt them but if you’re on the receiving end of being hurt or betrayed by someone you care about, it’s often hard to even think about giving that person a second chance.

Do you think it’s right to give up on people when they’ve let you down or is it worth giving them a second chance? Even though forgiveness is something we’re often taught is a good thing, doing so isn’t always easy. What do you think that the benefits of forgiveness are? Here are a few thoughts on that:

• If a lover has betrayed you, perhaps by cheating with someone else or spending a lot of your money, it’s easy to think ‘a leopard never changes its spots’ but the concept of people changing and making changes is a basic part of counselling and psychotherapy. People are capable of changing but, as counsellors like to say (and it’s so true!), they’ll only change if they really want to do so!
• It makes sense to focus on what you’re feeling when you feel betrayed (that can be within your close relationships or when you’ve been short-changed in a shop or the garage has let you down when repairing your car). However, if you can try to understand why that person behaved in a certain way, adding context to what they did, it can make it easier to show some empathy and forgive them.
• If you want people to forgive you if you’ve behaved badly and then give you a second chance, it’s likely that other people feel the same. Most people want an opportunity to redeem themselves.
• You’ll almost certainly feel happier if you forgive someone and then give them an opportunity to make good. There’s also a big pay-off from forgiveness in terms of your own emotional wellbeing so from that point of view alone, it’s worthwhile giving someone a second chance.

You may not agree and I’d welcome your comments if you feel that giving someone a second chance is just plain stupid but however you feel about it, let me know your thoughts……

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

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In the first days of a heady love affair, most of us (if we give it a moment’s thought) feel that we’ll be able to cope with anything, whatever happens. Turns out that the reality can be very different, however good our intentions.

This isn’t about Covid in particular but more about the different ways that people respond to illness – for women particularly, there is a feeling, and sometimes an expectation, that if an illness is long-term, they should be the main carers and our society often reinforces this.

However, whatever the expectations in your own family, when faced with a terminal or long-term diagnosis of a partner or family member, whether that’s an adult or a child, people’s coping strategies often cause friction. In particular, the main carer can feel misunderstood by other family members or their partner and frustrated when others put an optimistic spin on the situation.

Keeping hopeful helps some people cope better, but for others it’s unrealistic and they prefer to be completely realistic and deal with the probable prognosis in their own way. Carers who are faced with a relative’s deteriorating health on a daily basis can feel frustrated when those who aren’t involved on a daily basis insist on putting a positive spin on the situation.

In the case of a very sick child, it’s not at all unusual for the worry to cause problems between the parents and they are less available to one another and probably less patient than they might usually be under different circumstances. In addition, one parent might be trying to deal with life on a day-to-day basis and attend to medical appointments, give medication and cook special meals whilst the other one might use their energies to research case-studies, alternative treatments and possible cures. If one, or both of them, are very tired, which is likely, understanding and patience aren’t going to be in abundance.

If a child is born with or develops a long-term condition, parents can feel that the demands upon them have no end and find it extremely difficult to cope. The questions they might want to ask are:

• “Is it worth getting another medical opinion?”
• “Is there a better medical regime for my child?”
• “Could I be doing more?”

The same questions also apply if you are caring for an elderly parent, a sibling or other family member – most people want to do their best for the sick person but almost inevitably, it brings concerns and sadness, exacerbated by the tiredness involved in caring.

However, some families can and do thrive during difficult times, whether this is about caring for a child or an elderly parent with a chronic illness. It can actually bring people closer together as they find that they have to communicate more openly and this can provide them with a feeling of mission, pride and cohesiveness.

One important part of all this is that you alone cannot solve all the family problems associated with your child’s/family member’s illness and it’s crucial that you don’t isolate yourself. However caring you are, you will need time to yourself to relax, wind down and socialise.

There are social workers, family therapists and support groups who will hopefully be able to provide advice and, despite funding cuts, possibly put in some professional care at certain times. Social networks are forums are invaluable too as you can message people in the same situation. Although this can help you feel less alone, beware of not going down the road of getting into miracle ‘cures’ or negativity about the prognosis as neither of these is likely to help you in the long-term.

Try to access support from your extended family – don’t carry on and tell them that you’re “fine” as you’re not probably not. However, if they’re not told this, they often won’t know. Being open and clear is the most honest way to progress here – most people will help you if they know that you need support at times. Friends are also invaluable at such a time and you can ‘let rip’ about the situation when it becomes too much at times.

In my next blog I’ll look specifically at situations where it’s your partner who is ill and the effects it can have on your relationship, however happy you are together.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

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• Anxiety and Depression
• Behaviour patterns
• Bereavement
• Couples
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• Loneliness
• Mental Health
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I thought that I’d concentrate on men’s’ mental health this week, mainly because it still seems to be a difficult subject for men to talk about, despite all the recent increased awareness of what has previously been a taboo subject.

If the man or men (thinking not just partners but brothers, fathers and friends here) have recently had a change in their lives, this can lead to mental health problems. I’m thinking a relationship breakdown, retirement or job loss…

Some men complain of physical symptoms like headaches, tiredness, nausea or pain in their joints as well as being unable to sleep or losing their appetite. Channeling their pain through more aggressive behaviour is common too, as is drinking or smoking more and taking over the counter painkillers.

So whatever your relationship with them, try to find a way of helping them relax by going for a walk or something similar so that you can talk at the same time. Avoid asking how they feel as a lot of men shy away from that question. Instead, ask what a particular change means to them. When they hopefully starts talking, it’s natural to immediately say things like “oh, you’ll soon find another job”, but that stops the conversation and may not actually be true either. Instead, let them talk – and talk, and talk.

Don’t accept a brush-off like “There’s nothing wrong – I’m absolutely fine”. Trust your own feelings and ask again. If they’re struggling with really dark thoughts, suggest them seeing their GP, visiting the website CALM (thecalmzone.net) or calling the Samaritans which is a 24 hour seven day a week service. Their number is 116 123 or you can visit their website samaritans.org.

Lastly, accept that you won’t have all the answers and that’s alright. As long as they know that you’re there when they need you, you’re doing a grand job. Being there physically or at the end of a phone is one of the most important things we can do for anyone who’s struggling with whatever’s going on in their life right now.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

• Anger
• Anxiety and Depression
• Behaviour patterns
• Bereavement
• Couples
• Finances
• Individuals
• Insecurity
• Loneliness
• Mental Health
• Relationships
• Self-esteem
• Sexuality
• Social anxiety
• Stress
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Goodness knows, the pandemic has given a lot of us plenty of opportunities to shop online and there’s no doubt that buying something new often lightens our spirits, whether it’s clothes, gadgets or blowing money on a holiday. There are a constant flow of adverts in the media that reinforce our spending too. Shopping online on your phone or pc during work breaks or even the middle of the night can feel as if you’re not really spending money at all, but the consequences can be devastating and hard to control.   

Although occasional spending isn’t necessarily a bad thing it can get out of control. We often joke about ‘retail therapy’ and use words like ‘shopaholic’ but if your own urges to shop, or those of someone close to you, become uncontrollable it’s no longer funny. If you’re spending beyond your means, compulsive shopping is as damaging for finances and relationships as alcoholism or gambling.

However, there are ways to break free but one of the first things to do is take it seriously. If you recognise that you’ve got a real problem, you may need extra support from friends and family and possibly a structured treatment programme to help you to quit. If someone you love suffers with this addiction, they’ll need a lot of support from you and other friends and family.

People who struggle with compulsive shopping often experience ups and downs and find that the urge is strongest when they’re feeling sad, depressed or angry. Going out and buying something new gives them a ‘high’ for a while but then they plummet when the realisation hits that they’ve spent even more money on a shopping spree.

If you recognise this in yourself, have started hiding what you’ve bought or find that you’re maxing out your credit cards and want to try to control these buying splurges, here are a few ways to start the process:

• Avoid online stores and shopping channels. Ask someone you trust to block these sites on your phone, pc and television and then secure a password, unknown to you, to unlock them.
• If you feel the urge to shop, do something constructive like exercise or take up an interest that doesn’t require you to spend a lot of money.
• If you’re going to the shops, write a list and stick to it.
• Work out a budget (there are lots of online budget sheets to help you) and make a plan to pay off the debts that you’ve built up.
• Your brain has become accustomed to the instant gratification of compulsive shopping and you’ll need the help of a support group to make changes. You could also ask your GP to refer you for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – there may be a long waiting list but it will be worth it as, although it’s not suitable for every type of issue, CBT is useful for helping change the ways you think and behave.

Once you’ve tried the above ways to manage compulsive shopping, you’ll start to relax and feel in control of your life again.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

• Anger
• Anxiety and Depression
• Behaviour patterns
• Bereavement
• Couples
• Finances
• Individuals
• Insecurity
• Loneliness
• Mental Health
• Relationships
• Self-esteem
• Sexuality
• Social anxiety
• Stress
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Why do we do this? I’m guessing that most of us say it because we don’t want to show our real emotions, perhaps out of pride or because we don’t want other people to feel sorry for us. A lot also depends on who’s asking. Do they really care about you or is it someone who’s a casual acquaintance and you think they’re asking the question automatically rather than being genuinely interested in you and how you’re feeling. Whoever it is, if you feel uncomfortable with their question, don’t feel obliged to give more than a short answer, giving little away.

I wouldn’t usually advocate keeping your feelings to yourself but in this instance, self-protection comes into play and it can be best to keep your true feelings to yourself. You can always answer with something along the lines of “Oh, I’m just getting on with things. How about you? How are you doing?”

But there will be times when you really want, even need, to talk and most people who ask are doing so out of genuine concern. Finding some sort of balance is often the best way forward; in other words, maybe start with telling the person “I’m finding it hard at the moment but trying to get through a day at a time. Maybe we could talk about it more one evening/next weekend”. Trusting the listener is a big part of talking about the issues that are causing you problems. You need to have confidence in them and this takes time – you might take a couple of weeks to tell them the truth about what’s been happening for you but that’s okay. Bearing our souls isn’t easy but keeping things buried inside doesn’t help. Eventually they erupt, often when we’re least expecting it.

So tell your trusted friends and say what you need like some space, time to vent or a companion to go walking with rather than going alone if that’s what you usually do. Most of us need human contact, not just physically but emotionally so that we don’t’ feel so alone when life is hard for us. This is the start to saying how you feel rather than always telling people that you’re fine – give it a try and see how you go.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself