Tag Archives: Anger

Have You Had A Recent Breakup?

If you’ve broken up with your partner during the last month or two, you may be feeling miserable about Valentine’s Day on Friday.

Your relationship might have been heading in this direction anyway but the Christmas and New Year period might have made it clear to one or both of you that things weren’t working out. If you’d had problems with money or housing, these would have put another strain on your relationship and most of us deal with stress and a crisis in different ways. In the first days of falling in love, money might not have seemed important but things may have become a lot more strained if one or both of you were made redundant or were furloughed more recently. Housing, illness or aged parents might also have made things more difficult.

So, it’s important to work out how you actually feel about what’s happened and at first that may be anger and grief – if that’s the case, you need time to process the whole situation. You might feel denial at first as in ‘this isn’t really happening’ and ‘I’m not going to let this happen’ but if your partner is adamant that they want to separate, eventually you’ll need to adjust to the situation and start to accept it.

Talking to a friend whom you can trust is often a good idea as well as keeping a journal to write down all your feelings about what’s happened. Counselling could also help and although you might prefer face-to-face sessions this could be online or via video call if easier or more practical.

If possible, talk to your ex about whether you’ll have a ‘clean break’ or whether you’d like to check in with one another now and again. It may be that you’ll have to talk anyway, because if you have children together, communication is vital and in the same way, if you’re dividing up property you’ll need to speak sometimes. Try to keep it calm and to the point as there’s nothing to be gained by shouting at one another and you probably won’t feel that good afterwards.

Thinking about children, keeping to some sort of routine is important but if you can keep things amiable with your ex, that will help even more. It probably won’t be easy, but having the intention to do this is a start. If you can agree between the two of you what you’ll do if things get heated, it can help as you’ll know that there’s a way of stopping things getting out of control. For instance, you could have a code word if one of you thinks that a situation is getting too heated and then you can restart the conversation later. Deep breathing during these times can help a lot!

It’s difficult to hide from your feelings and although all the emotions are painful and uncomfortable, the pain can be a catalyst for something better as it makes you look at what you want in your life in the future and what you might want from a new relationship (even if that seems an impossible idea right now!).

If you can’t afford the time and money to go to a gym, try exercising at home and use meditation as a way to get through what is undoubtedly a very difficult time. There are lots of apps like Headspace to help you meditate and reflect on what’s happened and how you’re feeling about it.

As life begins to return to some sort of normality, you will hopefully find that you’ve come to a deeper understanding of yourself and how you will go forward in the future.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

When Toxic People Blame You For Their Actions

1 Reply

In our society, it’s often easier for people to shift blame to others than being accountable for what they’ve said or done. This is because it allows them to avoid their own difficult emotions like shame and guilt. Shifting responsibility in this way validates those individuals who want to avoid owning up to make mistakes – it’s a way of escaping the consequences of what they’ve said or done.

There are usually reasons why this happens, often to do with their own background where perhaps blame was a big part of their family dynamics or where they were taught to fight for everything and not give up. However, whatever the reasons, this behaviour can make life very difficult for those on the receiving end, not least because other people often collude with the bad behaviour to stop the focus being put on them instead. Some phrases that toxic people use are:

“You’re over-sensitive” – easy to say, this is often used by the toxic person, but the truth is that your sensitivity is often due to the fact that they’re insensitive and steam-roller over your feelings. It’s important to challenge any of your self-doubt when they say this because it’s their lack of empathy that’s the real issue.
“You’re being totally unreasonable” – this is often their response to you trying to put down some boundaries. They argue that their actions are totally justified.
“It’s all your fault” – this stems from the toxic person’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions. In other words, it’s your attitude that’s the problem. If you’re ever going to navigate a relationship like this, at work or in your personal life, it essential to recognise that you’re not always at fault, but that they’re deflecting blame and have an inability to accept responsibility for anything that they say or do.
“You always make a mess of things” – this is another way of them avoiding responsibility for what they’ve said or done. Despite your best efforts, things go pear-shaped because they’re derailed by the other person interfering and insisting that their way is best.
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing” – this is classic gaslighting when a toxic person belittles your concerns which are often due to their dismissive behaviour.
They’re critical of the decisions you make but cloak this with suggesting that they’re only trying to help you (if only……).
They cast blame without asking for an explanation but, as you may have found, your explanation is never adequate.
Toxic people are often (but not always) very active in community activities and they like to take the lead so that they can exercise more control.
They befriend people that they perceive are ‘needy’ or have less power than themselves do.
Lastly, but certainly not least, if you still don’t agree with them after they’ve tried to persuade you that your ideas or thoughts are wrong, they lose their temper and shout or become very aggressive. Frightening!

Most of us have met people like this and, interestingly, they’re often admired by the wider community who don’t see the other side of this person until they themselves come under fire.

So, that’s how you can recognise a toxic person, but what can you do about it?

First of all, it’s alright to reject their ‘advice’ (often unasked for); this can mean finding your way through difficult conversations whilst standing your ground and setting your own personal boundaries.

Toxic people often complain about others and always have a new story about someone who, in their eyes, has done something wrong. If they turn their attention to you, refuse to accept blame-shifting phrases and try responding with a simple “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I don’t agree with you and I think we need to leave it at that”. They probably won’t be able to leave it though as they have to be right and have the last word.

At this point, you can only refuse to engage with them any longer, walking away if necessary. It’s sad if you’ve had good times and a long history together, but respecting yourself and refusing to be dominated by a toxic person is paramount.

This is the time to move towards fostering much healthier relationships in the future.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Does Happiness Suddenly Seem Out Of Your Reach?

Leave a reply

Most people know that the last couple of years have been very hard for most of us but now that it looks as if things are beginning to look up, it’s natural to think that you’ll feel happier and more content. But maybe happiness still seems just beyond your grasp and you’re not sure why. In fact, you feel guilty because you know that you should feel happier now.

Well, there’s no should in counselling – it’s not a helpful word and is loaded with expectation.

If you’re feeling like this, maybe there are reasons for it and once you know the reason, you can do something about it.

You forget that you do have different options so there’s choice. It’s easy to forget that possibility when you’re feel stuck with the same issues every day, whether these are at work, home, with relationships or something that seems outside your control. But, if you can make one little change in the way you deal with things, you’ll almost certainly find that other things will change – it’s a bit like those dominos that are lined up where, if you push one, all the others behind it fall down too. We don’t want people or things to fall down but this ‘domino effect’ can be quite startling!
Maybe you’re too hard on yourself – if you’re always expecting perfection in what you do and then get upset when you can’t achieve it, remember that imperfections are what make us human. To combat this, set yourself achievable goals – not quite as high as before, but enough to help you to feel good when you attain them.
It could be that you depend on others for your own happiness but it’s better to rely on yourself to be happy, rather than expecting other people to fulfil that for you. How can you do that? By not always seeking other peoples’ approval but trying meditation and self-reflection (maybe by writing in a journal and then looking back on it) to discover the inner you and what makes you feel more contented.
It could be that you feel envious of other people, especially if they seem to ‘sail through life’. But everyone has their own low points and struggles, even if it doesn’t seem like that. The main thing is how you see your challenges and ultimately, how you face and deal with them. This is partly about re-framing things and not seeing everything as a disaster. Of course, some things are a disaster, but in everyday life, a lot of things aren’t as bad as we think and there’s often a positive, even if we can’t see it at the time. We have choices about how we perceive what happens to us and try to change it from a negative to a positive.
Apparently, having too much clutter can be associated with anxiety and depression. If you feel that this is the case, get tough with yourself and start going through your wardrobe and cupboards, sorting out what you can take to charity shops and what you still really need. Lighter cupboards, lighter spirit!
Lastly, maybe you don’t make time for fun because you’re so busy in everyday life that fun has taken a back seat. But it’s important to laugh, enjoy life and find a few minutes each day to have a some fun – this means different things to different people but it could be doing hopscotch in the kitchen (remember hopscotch?), brewing beer, hula hooping, knitting for a doll – anything that brings a smile to your face. Whatever it is that floats your boat, try to do it every day.

Once you stop pursuing happiness, it often shows up quickly. Good luck with the above and let me know how you get on.

If you’ve found this blog helpful, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Bottling Up Emotions

Do You Sometimes Feel That You’re Being Judged?

3 Replies

A judgmental person is usually describes someone who judges others, often without good reason – it’s almost always negative. As well as hurting other people’s feelings, even when that isn’t necessarily meant in a harmful way, being judgmental about others people can affect your own self-esteem and happiness.

As you may have found, judgmental people are everywhere! You might even be one of them without even realising it. But, if you’re the one feeling judged, how can you deal with it so that it doesn’t drag you down? Here are a few ideas:

Try to look at it as a life lesson. View every interaction with a judgmental person as a bit of a ‘test’ that you’re going to try to pass. You can either respond with negativity, attack them back or choose a positive response. By that I mean, try to turn around what they said and give it a positive spin.
Be compassionate. People aren’t born judgmental so something will have happened to them to make them like that. Maybe their family judged them along with everything else and it’s the only way they know. It doesn’t make their behaviour any better but you may be able to find a bit of empathy for them. As the Dalai Lama said “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion”.
Most of us find this pretty difficult and assume that someone’s doing or saying something because of us. However, highly judgmental people find fault with everyone (and everything!), especially themselves. They always behave like this, whatever the circumstances. If you protect yourself against the opinions and actions of other people, you won’t suffer unnecessarily.
Look beyond what is the obvious and, as I said earlier, most judgmental people are very critical of themselves. Often, what they’re saying about you or someone else is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Try to remember that when they’re making a judgmental comment about you or someone else.
Look upon them as children – if you can do that, you can extend it to not expecting them (children) to know everything and tolerating bad behaviour. Of course, we think that once a person’s an adult they should know better, having worked a lot of things out. However, many adults don’t really “get it” so if you can think of them as a child who’s still learning and growing, it will be easier to be more compassionate.
Maybe someone in your family is particularly judgmental of you – obviously that’s difficult but try to put their behaviour into context and try to find some positives in the situation (not easy, I know!) but if you try to focus on other family members who value you, that will help.
Remember, you don’t have to believe them. Just because someone judges you, doesn’t mean that what they’re saying is right or true! Most of these judgements are someone else’s opinion – they take pleasure in dragging someone else down but that doesn’t mean that you have to take their ideas on board!
Finally, focus your attention on the other people who support and love you. If you can avoid or remove the judgmental person from your life, all well and good. But if it’s a family member or your boss, try to put some distance between you when possible. Surround yourself with people who love you and want what’s best for yo

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.