For most of us, when we’re in a relationship we become more vulnerable because that’s when we allow another person into our hearts and minds – there is more chance of being hurt and let down and for some people it’s a risk they don’t want to take.

However, to allow trust to develop between you there has to be a degree of vulnerability to pull down the walls you may usually surround yourself with and let the other person in. You need to show yourself to the other person and let them into your heart before a true depth of feeling can develop.

Some people spend a lot of time trying to protect themselves to keep others out but that can be very lonely. We can only hope that if we trust people and allow them in, they’ll respect us for being ourselves. However, our fear of ridicule, judgement or scaring the other person away can hold us back but giving a little at a time can help a lot.

Most of us think that we can’t help who we fall in love with and this sort of vulnerability and need for another person sometimes scares us because if we need someone, we are necessarily dependent upon them. But if you love someone in such a way, you have to take some responsibility for it – ultimately, you’re vulnerable because you choose to be vulnerable (hard to believe, I know!) and only you can decide whether you can cope with that and all it entails.  If both people in the relationship do the same, it can be transforming.

The same is true in the therapeutic relationship – it’s the therapist’s responsibility to develop a relationship that helps the client to explore and resolve conflicts and dissatisfactions. Building trust the counselling sessions builds confidence and supports the changes that the client hopes to make.

The one who feels (or thinks they feel) the most vulnerable in the relationship is the one most likely to worry about getting hurt. However, it may be that they’re feeling the same – talking about this is the thing most likely to help.  If your partner is being cool or you feel they’re uncaring, it may not be anything to do with you or your relationship so again, talk to them about what’s going on.

There is always the risk of getting hurt but, unless we live alone without any real human contact, there is always some risk but the larger the risk, hopefully the greater the reward.

If you’ve always seen yourself as ‘strong’, maybe you’ve just discovered your own vulnerability and it seems strange and uncomfortable. However, it’s a good opportunity to learn about another side to yourself so try to step back from being strong for a moment and remember that even superheroes had some weaknesses. For instance, Superman could be rendered powerless when he was exposed to Kryptonite but he learnt to protect himself and find strength outside of that.

Change doesn’t make you less of a person, it can make you more of a person. By giving yourself over to the feeling, change can make you more human and as long as you can reach out to someone, you’re not helpless. It can help to accept your position of vulnerability and move past the negative possibilities that may haunt you. It’s a bit scary but can be exciting too!

The human mind is very powerful but it can be difficult to control and sometimes we can start to think dark thoughts…. it is this sort of thinking that can ruin relationships, so it’s worth trying to control any negativity whilst still allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Try to remain focused on what’s going on and as long as it’s positive, go with it.

If you’re feeling vulnerable, ask yourself “Why am I afraid?”, “What can I do to improve things?” and “Will feeling like this help me?”. By trying to focus on what you can do to improve things, including your own well-being, you will bring more positivity into your life and your relationship. You’ll still feel vulnerable at times but become aware of how to deal with that feeling.

Psychotherapists and counsellors are not just people who give you advice (in fact, that’s rarely the case!) but as the therapy progresses and trust is established, you can use the sessions to bring about real change. It is this relationship that is so important and the self-revealing part of it helps with the healing of who you are.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

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Bullied by your own family – it sounds almost impossible, doesn’t it?

However, sadly, this happens a lot in families whether it’s a partner or someone in your birth family. This can be a parent, sibling or other family member and it’s often difficult to detect as well as accept that this is happening. Don’t think that only men can be bullies – women can be just as adept at this! One of the worst parts of it is that these people often say how much they love you.

A bully in the family often encourages and manipulates other family members into acting in a certain way whilst fostering a negative view of the target in the minds of other family members, neighbours and friends – it’s achieved by undermining, creating doubts and suspicions and sharing false concerns. Sounds familiar?

The bully may try to establish an exclusive relationship, often based on apparent trust and confidence, with one family member so that they, the bully, are seen as the only really reliable source of information. This can be done by very clever means, perhaps by portraying the target as unstable, uncaring, undependable and untrustworthy. The object of this is to manipulate the family member’s perceptions so that the bully is seen as an honourable person with others’ best interests at heart. If challenged, the bully pretends to be the victim and makes sure that they are seen as the entirely plausible one, turning the focus on themselves to be the centre of attention.

Sounds frightening? It is! The psychological damage done can be very undermining but because there is no physical violence, there are no outward signs, at least at first. Most commonly, there is verbal and emotional abuse including nit-picking, constant fault-finding and criticism but usually when the bully and victim are alone. When other people are present, the bully is often ‘sweetness and light’, leaving others feeling that the bully is a lovely person.

Why does this happen? There are lots of theories including the bully suffering low self-esteem and using tactics to make themselves feel better, having control over other people – again to help them feel more positive about themselves and competitiveness within the family (always wanting to be thought of as better than a sibling).

A lot of people aren’t aware that they’re being bullied within their family, especially if the bullies are their parents and this has been going on since childhood, so it seems normal. Sometimes a sibling can take over from one of the parents and start the scapegoating again. Some signs that you or someone close to you is being bullied are:

• The bully puts you down, either when you’re alone or in front of others.
• They criticise you under the guise of helping you.
• They call you names like ‘useless’ or ‘stupid’.
• They tell you how to spend your money.
• They keep score of what they’ve done for you so that they can then say that they’ve done so much for you and either you’re not reciprocating or you’re a disappointment to them.
• They ask you constant questions about yourself, your life and how you live it.
• If you complain about their behaviour, they say that you’re “too sensitive” and “take things to heart too much”.
• They can be silently angry with you and refuse to talk about problems, using silence as a punishment (passive-aggressive). Another tactic is to say that they’re too busy to talk if you try to discuss a particular issue with them – even if they initiated the subject! Once it gets a bit difficult for them, they’ll try to terminate the conversation.

If you’ve ever suffered this as a child, it can have an even bigger effect than it might have done and the bully probably realises this, which is why they use that tactic. Their silence is a way to manipulate you so that you ask what the problem is and try to change something in your life to please them so that they will speak to you again.

So what can you do to deal with this?

• The first thing is to try to talk to the person/people concerned – they may not realise that what they’re doing is actually bullying. Tell them how it makes you feel and then ask them to stop – if they insist that they’re not doing anything wrong and that you’re being ridiculous/neurotic/over-sensitive at least you will have tried to bring it out into the open and make changes even though the other person isn’t willing to change.
• The next thing you can do is to set boundaries with the family member whether that is one of your parents, a sibling or a partner. When asked about attending a family party, if you don’t want to stay for most of the day tell everyone that you’re only going to stay for a couple of hours. If someone in the family wants you to do something for them and it’s not convenient, say so with something along the lines of “I wish that I could do that but it’s just not possible this time”. There will be some sort of backlash because you’re refusing to be controlled any longer, but try to remember that your needs and desires are as important as anyone else’s.
• If someone criticises your parenting style, you can say “I’m bringing the children up according to my values. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but that’s what I’m going to do”.  There is no need to get into an argument about it; just state the facts.
• Remove yourself from the situation temporarily – you don’t have to stay around to be criticised. During the break, try to step away emotionally as well so that you can see more clearly what’s going on.
• Keep calm and as unemotional as possible when dealing with a bully – that is your best resistance.
• Find support elsewhere so that you’re not so dependent on that person or people – once you’re doing other things with friends, you won’t need the bully so much.

If you feel you’re suffering from being bullied within your family or relationship, working on your self-esteem can really help you to cope. Try reading about bullying, look at online forums and try counselling, which can really help you to overcome the unhappiness of being bullied.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

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One thing that’s happened during the Covid pandemic is that people have re-valuated where they live and wondered if moving out of town to a village might be an option for them. Having a garden during restrictions has proved a life-saver for a lot of people and with remote working being more of an option now, there’s often no need to live in town.

Living out in the countryside sounds lovely – doesn’t it? A village location, fields, birds, maybe even a stream running through at the end of the garden. What could be better?

Well, it CAN be, and is, ideal for lots of people but it’s not for everybody. Although the Office for National Statistics showed that life expectancy at birth was improved for people living in rural areas, emotionally it can be hard for those not used to it or people who want to ‘spread their wings’.

If you’re undecided about whether to leave the town or city, try to think about the pitfalls as well as the advantages, before being swept up with the idyll of living in a small rural community. If you’re thinking of re-locating to, say, the East of England, you’ll find large swathes of land with ‘big skies’ which are great in the summer months, but can be depressing in the winter unless you were born in those areas (and even then, they can make some people feel quite low and sad).

So, if you still want to ‘live the dream’ try to take into account some of the following:

• For every glorious day in the summer there’s a stretch of winter when you might not see many people and the drive into a nearby town is a big effort.
• If you have a young family and no relatives around, you will probably find childcare quite difficult. Make sure you work out what professional childcare is available before you move.
• Try to join a local playgroup/toddler group where you’ll meet other young parents as well as local organisations and committees where you’ll hopefully meet like-minded people.
• Be as pro-active as time allows you to be– if you put your heart and soul into events, you’ll get to know people quickly and they’ll love the fact that you’re putting something into their community. Despite this, make sure you don’t try to ‘take over’ by ‘improving’ the way things have been done so far – people will inevitably resent it.
• If you’re moving to the country upon retirement, try to get involved in village fetes, swimming clubs and anything appealing where lots of different age-groups mingle.
• Recognise that things change more slowly in the countryside and that there may not be a multi-cultural community yet. Usually (although not always), things tend to be more traditional than in towns and cities.
• Realise that you’re going to be pretty dependent upon your car – in most rural areas, there are very few buses and certainly not on Sundays or during the evenings. Your car will almost certainly become more important to you than previously.
• Recognise that if you have any conflict with someone locally, especially in your village, almost inevitably people will know about it. You are far less anonymous in a country setting.
• By the same token, you will find that what you think of as charming and people showing an interest, can also have a downside where you might it difficult to have much privacy.
• Try to make an effort to get into the nearest town or city on a regular basis if only to have a look around and do a bit of shopping – it can actually be refreshing to do this and it enables you to keep some interest in your previous lifestyle.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

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The dictionary says that ghosting is ‘the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication’ and that pretty well sums it up.

It seems that it’s a common dating problem but that doesn’t make it any easier if you’re trying to understand why someone’s ghosted you. Since dating apps became popular, it’s been a lot easier to drop in and out of someone’s life without any explanation.

What typically happens is that you’re in a relationship which you’re thinking might be long-term because you like them, they seem to find you attractive and fun plus things seem to be going well, when, out of the blue, they just disappear!

From texting and talking every day, going out at weekends and discussing a possible holiday together, there’s suddenly…..nothing. Most people are left feeling hurt and more than a little confused. Basically, what it means is that for whatever reason, the other person isn’t happy about something but they don’t want to have to explain it to you (or even themselves!). But another way of looking at it is that no message is a message in itself.

It’s pretty selfish because they get out of it without having to experience any upset themselves. Whereas, for the person who’s been ghosted, it’s a rejection that has no real explanation. It also shows a lack of respect if they don’t even care enough to give you any reasons.

Even if you do happen to bump into them at a later date, it’s unlikely that you’ll get a straight answer to the question “why?”. That could be because they’re not great at communicating what they feel, they felt that they were ‘too busy’ (although who wants to date someone who’s too busy to even text?) or that they just don’t feel the need to explain.

People who are reluctant to get close to someone, maybe due to trust or dependency issues, often use indirect ways, such as ghosting, to end a relationship. Also, there are those who believe some relationships are either meant to be or not (in other words, they believe in fate), are they’re more likely to think that ghosting is an acceptable way of ending things.

Ghosting isn’t confined to romantic relationships – it can happen with friends or work  colleagues. Walking away with no explanation means that there’s no drama or justifications involved for the ghoster.

One thing I want to mention though is that they are the problem, not you. It may not feel like that immediately, but further down the line, hopefully you’ll realise that that’s the case. There will be a more compatible partner out there for you even though it may not seem like it straight away.

But when you’re still feeling hurt and maybe mystified, how can you deal with it?

Reflect on what’s happened and send one text, if you want to, asking if they’re alright – that gives them the chance to tell you what’s been going on for them. If they don’t reply, it’s time to find ways to move forward without them.

First of all, try to avoid reminders of your ex (or friend) so don’t sift through old photos on your phone or look at texts you both sent in the past. Most of all, don’t go over social media postings – it won’t help, whether or not there are new posts.

Focus on yourself, taking care to fit in some exercise every day and catch up on things that you may have put on hold. Most of all, be kind to yourself and don’t get into behaviour patterns that are self-destructive – they won’t help and you’ll end up feeling worse. Instead, use this time to deal with any anxiety, using a meditation app. or watching a YouTube video.

Although you need to grieve for the relationship, try not to dwell on it because the underlying causes won’t be to do with you, but will be about the other person who doesn’t know how to communicate effectively.

As with any relationship that’s comes to an end, it will take time, but have faith that you’ll eventually move on from it.

If you’ve been the one who’s been ghosted, I hope that this has helped. If you’ve been the ‘ghoster’, maybe it’s given you something to think about….! Also, in the future, if you find it difficult to figure out where you stand with someone, it might be a good idea to stop standing and start walking!

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

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