It’s one of the hardest things to overcome – you thought you’d be together for the long-term, possibly forever, and then you find that your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer.  There may not even be another person involved but he/she wants out and there’s no persuading them otherwise.

This is often a particularly difficult time of year to experience a break-up, although sadly, it’s also a time when many relationships falter. After an extended holiday period such as Christmas, many couples realise that their relationship just isn’t working.

Here are a few things that may help on a day-to-day basis – they won’t solve the awful feelings of loss that you’re experiencing but they will hopefully get you from day to day until eventually you feel slightly better.

1. Accept that your feelings of anger, uncertainty, agitation, fear and shock are normal. There’s no right or wrong about feelings and you’ll be on a roller-coaster of emotions for a long time.
2. Tears are healthy – you may feel numb for some time but it’s important to allow yourself to cry too.
3. Write a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings your partner’s behaviour and why it feels so painful.
4. It’s still alright to laugh. Try watching a funny film or TV show and, if you can bear it, spend some time with people who make you smile.
5. Ask all the questions you want to – however, be aware that you may not get the answers you want or even any answers at all. You can’t make someone give you reasons, frustrating though that is.
6. Do not make any major decisions about how you want things to be – this is the time for reflection and recognising that even though you thought things were okay, maybe there were some things that needed to be dealt with.
7. If you have children, they need to know that you are going to be okay. You can’t hide the fact that you are going through serious stress or trauma and your ex-partner may well be their other parent. If not, your ex might well have been someone important in their lives. Being honest with your children is usually the best approach depending upon their age, but don’t weigh them down with details.
8. Take it one day at a time and try not to look too far into the future.
9. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having break-up. Don’t expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away immediately. There are stages to loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and hopefully acceptance at some point) – you can’t fast-forward through these, much as you’d like to.
10. Think about practical things – look at your finances, housing situation, transport etc. Make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials and how you’ll work out the new practicalities.
11. Only confide in people that you can trust – it’s good to talk but be careful that you only open your heart to people who can keep things confidentially.
12. Seek counselling if you’re struggling too much to cope – it can really help to talk to a professional who can listen and give strategies for the future.

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Maybe you broke up with your ex-partner just before Christmas, which was bad enough – somehow you got through the whole holiday with your family trying not to make tactless remarks (not including Uncle Billy who got drunk on Christmas morning and managed to say enough insensitive things to make up for your entire family), huddling under the duvet for as long as possible and eating enough to fill a small supermarket.

You may have gone out with your friends on New Year’s Eve (they insisted that you shouldn’t be alone “to wallow”) but it was a relief to get home and cry some more.

Now, though, you’ve just been flicking through Instagram and there they are – kissing someone else, looking happy and, frankly, better than they’ve ever looked! Your friend’s just told you that she saw them out together and they looked really loved up. How could they do this? So soon after your split? You both said you’d take your time before getting together with anyone else and now they’re behaving as if they can’t remember that conversation at all.

There will be lots of soul-searching – ‘is he/she funnier than me? are they better looking than me? have they more in common?’  There probably isn’t a logical answer to this but you’re bound to ponder on it, sometimes for a long time.

If you had been in a long-term relationship and maybe had children together, this is particularly hard (if you look on various social media sites you will see how other parents try to deal with this situation and also, how hard it is).

But whatever your situation, here are a few ways to try to come to some sort of acceptance of the situation whilst keeping your dignity:

• First of all, try not to contact them about the photos you’ve seen and the rumours you’ve heard – whatever you think now, it’s not going to help in the long-run! You will want to know if something was going on when you were actually together, but ask yourself how much it will help you right now if you get an answer to that.
• Don’t go to that party if you know they’ll be there – it’s a definite route to unhappiness. If they look really happy together, it will be like a knife in your heart and if one of them looks unhappy, it will make you think that there’s still a chance it will work out for you but repeating the same things results in the same endings.
• Instead, try to go out to different places and do different things – you’ll meet new people and it might be fun, even though it will be hard getting out there alone.
• Don’t get drunk when you’re alone – chances are, you’ll end up crying into your glass and feeling worse than before. The hangover won’t be much fun either!
• This is a good opportunity to do some of the things that you put on hold when you were with them, perhaps because it wasn’t practical or because they didn’t like it.
• Don’t put too much pressure on yourself – take one day at a time until things begin to get a bit easier and you can make a bit of a plan about your future.

If you’re struggling with this or other issues, maybe this is the year to give counselling a try – you may already be seeing a therapist but, if not, it would be worth looking into this as you can talk about your feelings in a confidential setting and work on strategies that will help you  deal with what’s going on.

I hope that you’ve found this blog interesting; if so, please comment if you’d like to do so. Why not follow me as well, then you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

In my last blog, I wrote about how you might be alone and feeling lonely at Christmas but, as you may be experiencing, you can have a partner and still feel lonely. Being with your partner for longer periods of time than usual over the festive period might have brought this home to you!

You may wonder how this could happen – the person that you first got together with because you ‘clicked’ so well but seem to have little in common with nowadays. There are lots of possible reasons that this might have happened including:

• Busy schedules – you’re both so busy with your jobs and family matters that you rarely spend time together.
• Your partner doesn’t acknowledge when you’re having a particularly hard time such as when your sister is ill and you’re worried about her. If there’s no emotional connection, there’s no real scope for support.
• You don’t talk about what you did throughout each day – maybe you feel there isn’t time or perhaps your partner looks bored when you try to tell them about what’s happened to you.
• One or other of you is always on their phone.
• Your partner bullies you – maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally by mocking you or ignoring you altogether (men or women can be guilty of this – either way, it’s not acceptable).
• There’s rarely any passion – no kisses, hugs or intimacy of any kind.

So, if this holiday period has left you wondering why you got together in the first place, take stock of what’s happened. If you feel lonely, it’s quite likely that they do too and if you want to get back that feeling of togetherness before it’s too late, try the following:

• Start sharing everyday experiences again – if your partner’s watching television in another room join them, even if you’re not particularly interested in what they’re watching.
• Suggest simple things like going for a walk or cooking a meal together where each of you does something towards it.
• Ask for what you want in the relationship and, in turn, ask your partner what they need to feel happier in your relationship.
• Make it clear that you’re tired of being emotionally bullied – it may seem funny to your partner, but it’s not acceptable.
• Make birthdays and anniversaries special days for both of you. Small things like a card or a cake can make such a difference.

Getting back that feeling of intimacy and love won’t happen overnight but, as you go into a new year, be hopeful that you can get back that loving feeling and no longer feel lonely in your relationship.

I hope that you’ve found this blog helpful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

Happy Christmas to all my past clients and to those of you who now follow my blogs. Look out for more to read in the New Year.

The band, Mud, first reached number 1 in the charts with this song in 1974 and it’s very similar to Blue Christmas, sung by Elvis.

One of the reasons that they’re both so popular is because of the feelings that the words evoke in us, particularly if we’re going to be spending Christmas alone. There is melancholy in both of them and people identify with this.

There are lots of reasons why some of us feel alone at this time of year – maybe a relationship has come to an end or there’s been a bereavement. Social anxiety disorder can stop some of us building up close relationships with colleagues and neighbours as it’s so hard to get out and meet up with people.

All the frenetic activity can bring about emotional and physical stress and tiredness and if you’ve spent too much money, that brings a lot of pressure with it. Also, reflecting on how the previous eleven months have been can be a painful exercise.

If you live some distance from your family and haven’t lived in a new place long enough to build up any strong friendships, Christmas can be one of the loneliest times of the year. Even if you do have a large family nearby, some of us can still feel like an outsider if we’re different in some way. With all the cheerful songs and festive parties many lonely people are crying inside.

It’s not easy to be positive but it is possible – if it’s unavoidable that you’re alone at this time of year, plan ahead. Do something nice for yourself if you can afford it – buy one outfit of new clothes, choose some lovely food to cook even though it’s just for you and plan to watch some great films at home.

If there’s any chance of getting together with neighbours (maybe you’ve not met them before?), invite them round for a pre-Christmas drink. You may think they’re not your type(s) but you never know!

Consider doing some volunteering over Christmas – there are plenty of organisations who need people to cook, care or befriend others over the holiday period.

If you can work over Christmas and your employer needs volunteers to do this, it’s a good idea to consider it. Make sure you’re paid a good rate for this though – no need to martyr yourself!

If you have online friends you could host an online Christmas by setting up a Facebook group or Skype chatroom where people can drop in and out as they please. That way, you don’t have to cook or clean and can drop out as and when you want to.

If you’ve suffered the end of a relationship, either through death or separation, you may feel that you don’t want to celebrate at all. Everything will seem too much trouble and although friends and family might want to ‘bring you out of yourself’, it may be too much for you. If you really feel you’d be happier not socialising this one year, that’s up to you.

However, whatever your circumstances, spending time with positive people can help lift your spirits and you might be grateful for their good-heartedness and good cheer.

Lastly, plan for a better Christmas next year – think about how you can connect with people in the coming months and if depression and anxiety is preventing you enjoying life, visit your GP for support in the New Year or get in touch with a private counsellor (some offer concessions if your finances have taken a dip).

I hope that you’ve found this blog helpful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.